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Dear Lola,

Recently my 5-year-old son had been playing with friends in our backyard when I overheard their conversation. The friend was asking if my son had juice and without missing a beat he replied that we had apple juice and Mommy’s special grape juice. I shudder to think what that child repeated to his mother that night. So, how much wine is too much wine? Is too much wine even a possibility? Should I be hiding in a closet to drink it so that my son won’t give all our neighbors the idea that I am drunk all day long?!

Wine Woman

Dear Lola

Dear Wine Woman,

I was all set to dismiss your son’s statement as pure childhood exaggeration until you signed your letter to me as Wine Woman. Usually I have to come up with the witty moniker for the letters I receive. Suffice it to say, you may indeed be drinking too many sour grapes each day. We can easily determine that through a series of questions, which you will ask and your child will answer. Children are honest to a fault about parental habits.

You would lie to avoid having to give up wine and you know it.

What is Mommy drinking right now?
Does Mommy’s wineglass ever go into the cabinet after cleaning?
Can you hear bottles rattle when Mommy takes out the recycling?
Does Mommy walk funny at night and hold onto the wall?
Does Mommy take long naps while you play?
Does Mommy smell like sour grapes?

You have had too much wine if you asked your child these questions.

I advise you to cut way back on the number of glasses you have each night. If that’s not possible due to a shitty boss, nosy neighbor, or a child who won’t take a breath for even a minute while you think of something to cook for dinner, then I advise you to drink your wine after the child goes to bed.

You also need to start covering your tracks.

Package the empty bottles in bubble wrap and store them in the garage for your son to find when he is 60 and you’ve passed on. He’ll realize then what a problem you had – as he’s looking at thousands of empty bottles that have been kept as drunk girl trophies. Hopefully he’ll be able to sell the bottles as antiques in a future world that doesn’t use glass bottles for wine anymore. He’ll be rich and can buy the happiness that you never gave him because you were too drunk to drive him to the zoo.

Wine o'clock


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