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Dear Lola,

I have always wondered which occurs first – waking up or opening your eyes? I thought that surely you must wake up first, therefore spurring your eyes to open. Yet, are you really awake if you cannot remember anything before the moment you opened your eyes? I thought about this for a long time and now I just think I need a nap. Please help me solve this mystery.

Sincerely,
Eye Need a Nap

Dear Lola

Dear Eye Need a Nap,

I knew I should have gone to medical school. People said it would be a waste to spend that kind of money on a bulldog’s education, but look at us now! I can sit and rollover, sure, but how does that help you out?!

Never fear human, I have come up with the answer.

The dilemma is that being awake is not synonymous with either scenario. Sometimes, I find myself “awake” in bed, but the sun is not quite shining high enough for me. I therefore keep my eyes closed, to avoid the crushing disappointment of my Mommybeast ripping me from the warm bed to “do my business” in the cold, dark void they call a yard. If I agree that I am awake before opening my eyes, I am also acknowledging that I am deceiving my precious Mommybeast. Since she controls my food source, you understand how that would be foolhardy.

Other times, I open my eyes and find out that I have been on quite an adventure while sleeping – the humans like to recount these to me over breakfast. I’ve chased bunnies through the backyard, barked at squirrels in a tree, and kicked my Daddybeast in the ribcage…relentlessly. If we deduce that movement comes after waking up, then Daddybeast has quite a case to sue me in court over all the bruising I’ve subjected him to. Therefore, I can’t say that being awake has any bearing on body movement, including the eyelids.

I think you are truly awake when your memory is engaged. To be awake, you need to be able to recall old thoughts and commit new ones to memory. This being said, I now realize how many Hominid Wranglers (parents) are running around each day, seemingly awake, but technically sleeping. Especially Wranglers of the very Miniature Humans. Those poor humans can’t recall anything and they are certainly incapable of making new memories – the most they can do is guzzle caffeine with a vacant expression upon their face.

♥Lola♥

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