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Dear Lola,

My husband has this rather odd little habit of driving me INSANE! He always leaves a scrappy amount of milk in the bottom of the carton in the fridge, and then opens a new one. He says that this is because there isn’t enough to put on his cereal, and that he doesn’t like to mix milk because it would be from different cows – which is apparently very wrong? He confirms that this is in no way because he can’t be bothered to deal with the empty carton. *cough* How do I stop him doing this?

Milk Mad in Yorkshire

Dear Lola

Dear Milk Mad in Yorkshire,

I would like to start off this letter by telling you how very sorry I am that you stumble upon milk cartons with just a splash of liquid in them. As a fellow milk lover, I think this should definitely be considered a heinous crime, punishable in a court of law. In the dog world, we would make that milk monster walk behind us as we pooped. Since you’re a human, you obviously need a human solution – and I’ve got a terrific plan for you. Hide the milk!

First off, empty out some wine bottles, red wine would best suit our purposes. As I note you have several young children, this should not be a difficult task to accomplish after they retreat to their beds each night. Then you’ll want to clean those bottles very well, I’m almost positive that milk and wine mixed together would taste awful. Then you’ll carefully funnel milk from the carton into the wine bottle.

Here is where you have to think diabolically. You will now take red food coloring and put a few drops into the milk. Should your husband get suspicious about the lack of milk cartons in the refrigerator, this should throw him off track. He may smell milk, but his eyes will see wine. Humans rarely trust their sense of smell over their sight.

This should be enough to throw dear husband off track. Maybe once he’s had to skip cereal for a few days, he’ll realize he needs to be more proactive in the milk department.


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