Today I turn 34. Now, some of you may find the prospect of aging to be scary, but I don’t. I find myself eagerly awaiting old age and all its glorious benefits. In case you are depressed about your own aging, here’s a list of a few things I’m looking forward to.

I could say whatever was on my mind.

People would chalk it up to my being senile. Think about that for just a moment! I could finally tell people what I think about their haircuts and clothing choices without risk of being throat punched. Because throat punching a crazy old lady is wrong and most people in society realize that.

I could drool on myself as I binge on Netflix.

I would just watch and chew, watch and chew, watch and chew. Drool would be on my shirt and I could blissfully ignore it because I was born in the 1900s and who are you to judge me?!

The best perk of aging is definitely going to be the milkshakes.

I plan on requesting milkshakes at every meal and when someone tells me to be healthy, I will snap back that I’ve made it this far and give me a damn shake. Then I will happily drink my dessert at seven in the morning and follow it up with a big slice of cake.

It’s going to be so exciting!

To ensure I don’t feel a moment’s hesitation over my new age, I went to Taco Bell at the stroke of midnight and made sure my first ‘Older Lady’ meal was the nacho cheesy goodness that always make me happy.

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