The other night I was viciously prevented from getting any sleep. I was in bed at midnight, sitting with my eyes wide open. My body was on fire and I knew I wouldn’t last the night. (In hindsight, I realize this was dramatic.) So what is a girl to do when she feels death is coming for her? Commemorate the ordeal through social media!
And thus, the night of the many status updates began.
It is 4:40 AM. Since midnight I have taken the maximum daily dosage of three types of heartburn medication. Not only is the heartburn not gone, I’m pretty sure the life force behind the burn is more pissed off than it was before the meds. According to Web M.D., not only am I probably having a heart attack but it is most likely that I’ve already passed away and my conscience is trying to convince me I’m still alive. Nothing like an online doctor to make you feel better! Stupid internet.
Only two more hours before I can call the appointment line to see my doctor. I’m pretty sure it’s time for us to acknowledge this is not your standard heartburn, this could be something like acid reflux. And that “do not take for more than two weeks” warning on the label… I laugh in the face of that warning!
Damn, I just looked over at the window in my bedroom and through the curtains I can see the outline of the trees. Apparently the sun is already rising and I haven’t even made it to sleep yet! And you know what one of the biggest triggers is of heartburn?!?! Lack of sleep! I don’t know how they expect you to sleep when your chest is burning like lava is flowing through it!
I’m going to need my mom to retire from her job and become my own personal nurse. While I can’t pay you a salary in actual dollars, I do have Lola kisses that are in impossible to quantify. Mom, I’ll put together a job description and I promise it will not include vegetables!
The tree shapes outside of my bedroom window are mocking me. Do dogs get heartburn? I feel like Lola has some sympathy heartburn because she hasn’t been sleeping tonight either. (I guess she could have just been disturbed by all my suffering since I kept wiggling around and using the talk to type feature. Hey dog, my chest is burning up, I’m going to talk to type if I want to!)
I wonder if my doctor will give me a prescription for that medicine that they gave me in the hospital that one time…It was this magical elixir that when I drank, it numbed everything from my lips to my stomach. I’m betting they’re going to say I can’t have a prescription for that because they know I’ll drink it every chance I get. It made me feel like an all-powerful wizard, dare I say a Lord Voldemort?! (This is where my friends realized the sleep deprivation was setting in, Harry Potter references.)
They’ll probably say that the medicine is too dangerous in my hands because I’ll wind up drinking it and jumping off a building because I think it will cure everything! Which it totally does.
Damn the man for holding me down.
I’m going to copy and paste all of these comments into a blog post. If only Jason would’ve bought me that MacBook I asked for, I wouldn’t have to blow up my Facebook feed trying to put all my thoughts down before the burning inside of my chest destroys my brain as well. (Look at that follow through! I am a fucking champion!)
It is now 4:56 AM. The burning started at 11:14 PM. That is 5 hours and 40 minutes of suffering.
340 minutes of pain.
20,400 seconds of pure fire raging through my soul.
(It was at this point my friend recommended peppermint.) I tried peppermint the last time I had heartburn, it backfired so badly I had to go to the hospital so they could give me the magical elixir that numbed everything. And then they told me to never, ever do that again. I’m currently guzzling water to “neutralize” the acid. I laughed as I typed that, nothing is going to neutralize this fire!
I thought I had to burp…it was dangerously close to not being a burp. Now I’m scared on a whole new level, vomit is my nemesis. And I’m pretty sure that will just make the heartburn worse. Though I guess if we refer back to Web M.D., I’m already dead from that aortic explosion they claim I am experiencing because heartburn is too mundane for them to diagnose!
Lola decided if she’s not going to be able to sleep in peace that she’d like her breakfast early. I don’t think so pork, even with heartburn I know that’s a bad idea! Then lunch will have to come early and then dinner will have to come early and then it will be bedtime and your belly will be completely empty and you’ll retaliate by pooping on my head while I sleep. (She’s very devious when hungry.)
I wonder if I can take ZQuil with all these heartburn medicines. I would ask Web M.D., but I’m dead and it will basically let me do whatever I want now.
I feel something lodged in my throat…it is regret. I’m breaking up with Italian sausage!
I have the fan on high in my bedroom…As if that will help heartburn.
I feel like this heartburn is retaliation for the missing organ. It’s not my fault! The appendix no longer wanted to live with the rest of you body parts!!!
(And this is the moment where the crazies, aka my friends, came out of the woodwork. One swore my gallbladder was failing, another worried over heart attack and a third questioned pregnancy. Now, normally I wouldn’t worry but many of my friends and family are in healthcare and I was a tad bit nervous over their theories of the burning. Especially that last one; it scared me so bad I had to stop monologuing just to respond.) I am not pregnant. But that was the scariest thing someone has said about this heartburn. I’d prefer the heart attack one friend was sure I was having!
I ended the ordeal with a final post because I had finally been awake for so long that the doctor’s office opened for the day-
Well, I called the doctor. Everybody told me I have to call the doctor. And you fuckers are now on my shank list! I couldn’t get an appointment this week so I have to wait until next week. But that’s not the bad part. She gave me a list of foods I can’t eat for the next week… I lost bacon. Bacon! Why the fuck do I want to live if I can’t eat my beloved bacon! And as if that wasn’t bad enough, guess who can’t eat spam or marinara sauce?! Me! No pizza, no Italian sausage, no Mexican food. I guess I’m just going to eat buttered noodles for the next week?! And no soda. No orange juice. Just water. Water. Water. I’m rethinking how bad that heartburn was last night and if I just want to ignore the doctor. But considering I was awake until after 7 AM, I really need to listen to the doctor.
So now you know, I’m still alive. I made it through the night. Click below to follow me on social media, you never know when you’ll get another play-by-play of a near death experience.
I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet
Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much