I tried to go to sleep last night and it didn’t work. Well, it would’ve worked if the entire world hadn’t been conspiring against me. And Lola, never forget that the Lola suffered next to me.
You’ll never be alone…
It all started about 2am when we made a critical error in the bedtime routine. We picked out Jurassic Park to watch as we fell asleep. We must have temporarily lost our minds and thought that opening sequence with the velociraptor eating the cage handler was actually going to lull us to sleep. There I was, sitting next to a bulldog who loved dinosaur movies as much as I do, and we were hooked. By the time ending credits were rolling, Lola and I were contemplating if we should get out her triceratops costume and parade around the neighborhood.
Just look at her.
We resisted and decided to close our eyes. Within one hour, we were slowly going insane. There was a continuous drip, drip, drip noise coming from my bathroom area. I wandered in to check faucets and toilets – everything seemed fine. Since my second bathroom shares a wall with the master bath, I check everything out in there.
No source of dripping, but I could still clearly hear it.
I’m now at the other end of the house, standing in the kitchen, thinking that my hearing loss is healing itself (I’m obviously becoming Superman) and I can actually hear water dripping from across the house. Now, I’m vaguely aware I’m being irrational since I know my hearing is so far gone that I will never actually hear dripping that far away, but I’m stubbornly insistent that I hear something. Maybe my hearing aids are magical and are repairing my destroyed ear drums each time I wear them.
As I google solutions (to both the dripping and the hearing recovery), I remember that the last time it rained I could hear it bouncing off the metal caps on the bathroom exhaust fans that are on the roof. I peek out the kitchen window and it’s not raining.
Now I’m starting to panic so I turn off the main water valve to the house and hold my breath while listening so hard that I hear buzzing in my ears. Followed by drip, drip, drip.
It’s fucking mocking me!
Finally, I realize that I’ll have to call a plumber and he’ll charge me a fortune and probably won’t find the cause because let’s be honest, my luck hasn’t been holding lately. As I stare out my bedroom window my mind processes that it is raining. Huh. Guess I didn’t look hard enough while I was in the kitchen.
I head back out to the kitchen for a drink and happen to glance out the window and see it’s not raining. What the hell is happening here?! Believing my mind and hearing have deserted me completely, I throw open the back door and stand on the deck. The deck that is completely dry with no rain falling at all. I look to the left, towards the bedroom, and it is pouring buckets. Buckets!
Mother nature is a mischievous cow.
I finally climb back into bed, knowing my alarm is going off in 2 hours and I’ve had zero sleep thanks to dinosaurs and dripping water. These contractors are not going to like the Heather that greets them. As soon as I close my eyes, I hear the neighbor’s car come to life.
And it has emphysema.
I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet
Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much