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I think I need to hire a handyman. I just wrote out a list of items that need to be addressed during good weather season to make sure everything in my new home continues to function. I am very nervous that my fat kid self will be physically and mentally exhausted trying to complete this list.

I’ve purchased Kraft Easy Mac and Cheese, just in case I can’t lift a pot.

It’s stupid stuff really; there is just so much of it to do! The list never gets smaller because once you complete an item, you have to move it to the bottom of the list so you can do it again.

Maintenance is key. I remember my dad saying that a lot when I was a kid but Super Mario Bros. and Mountain Dew were all my brain really cared to focus on. I wish I had paid a bit more attention to the lesson because Hubster is deployed and I am on my own with septic tanks, and well water, and a working knowledge of Twinkies which in no way helps me with these problems.

Though to be honest, my paying attention probably wouldn’t have helped since we had no garage (therefore no automatic doors), no wells (because volcanic rock), and our island converted to sewers when I was a young child. Plus, it was Hawaii so there was no furnace to fuss with (hello paradise weather).

Yeah, you know what? My childhood is really to blame for these problems I’m facing in adulthood. All these new generations of children get to blame their mommies and daddies, why should I get left behind just because I came from a previous generation?!!

Before you go, I’d like you to contemplate this little riddle:

What the hell is a furnace and why do its filters need to be cleaned?

I’m aware that the furnace provides heat, but is it a motor, or an engine, or a fucking fairy holding a Zippo lighter to produce the heat?! I have no idea. All I know is that in the book my home inspector gave me, I have to find this mythical filter and clean it. Or else I will have no heat, or the heat is dirty, or maybe the heat just works harder and then the furnace fairy dies of emphysema thanks to the dirt I’ve allowed to build up.

No one really knows, my book doesn’t say what bad things will happen. So I have to clean it, or else.


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