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Buckle up because we are going there.

I was recently flying home from Hawaii and since I’m a terrible flyer I booked myself into first class. Unlimited amounts of free booze definitely make you less afraid of crashing into the ocean and being eaten by Jaws.

As I boarded the flight, I passed by the first row and sat down in the second row. Directly in front of me was a mother with her seven-year-old daughter. Across the aisle is what I’m assuming is the father along with her sibling, a little dude who was probably two.

I didn’t sweat any meltdowns because I’ve ridden in first class with children before. Frankly, I don’t understand why more parents don’t save themselves the agony of having to peel their face off in frustration, and just fly in first class with their darlings. You can’t put a price on your face.

Think about it. The kid gets an unlimited amount of new cartoons on the in-flight screen. They can have as much juice and snacks as they like. The food comes out hot and they never have to wait for the potty. It can be a great thing, especially when you factor in that kid legs can’t reach the back of seats in first class.

Take that all you kicky bastards under 10!

Not to mention the greatest benefit of all; the adults are being plied with unlimited free liquor so we’re in a great mood should there be an unavoidable meltdown.

About halfway through the flight I started to change my mind about how ok this was going to turn out. Dad was sitting next to little dude and was checked out watching his own shows. Little dude’s head kept listing forward and I could tell he was getting sleepy. He looked at dad and asked to sit with his mom. Mom held out her arms but all of a sudden, the dad in charge emerged.

This split personality was about to ruin lives.

The dad in charge is the guy who never disciplines his child, or pays any attention to said child, until child wants something that dad is not in the mood to grant. And this dad in charge was apparently affronted that his child wanted mommy and not the awesome dad sitting next to him.

Little dude had a two-hour meltdown with screaming and kicking and punching.

Mom begged to sit next to little dude. The flight attendants begged dad to trade seats with mom. They valiantly tried to bribe the kid while dad waved off all help and said, “he needs to learn.” Even the other kid offered to trade her brother seats so he could have his mommy. But dad wouldn’t have it. He was the dad in charge and the kid was going to learn it.

I had my headphones on full volume and I could still hear the misery of the little dude. Thankfully the flight attendants realized that if dad wouldn’t let them make the kid happy, they could give the rest of us more booze.

Those flight attendants should be given an award. I had hatched a plan with my seat mate; a stranger prior to our bonding over the trauma we were suffering. We were going to hold the dad down and beat him with twisty straws and plastic leis until he let the kid sit with his mommy. But then the free booze showed up in front of us again and we decided the vodka needed all of our attention.

So to sum it up, kids should be allowed in first class but their parents obviously belong in the back, sitting by themselves with no supervision. Enjoy the unlimited cookies and juice little dudes!

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