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Buckle up because we are going there.

I was recently flying home from Hawai’i, and since I’m a terrible flyer I booked myself into first class. Unlimited amounts of free booze definitely make you less afraid of crashing into the ocean and being eaten by Jaws.

As I boarded the flight, I passed by the first row and sat down in the second row. Directly in front of me was a mother with her seven-year-old daughter. Across the aisle is what I’m assuming is the father and a little dude who was probably two.

I didn’t sweat any meltdowns because I’ve ridden in first class with children before. Frankly, I don’t understand why more parents don’t save themselves the agony of having to peel their face off in frustration, and just fly in first class with their darlings.

You can’t put a price on your face.

Think about it. The kid gets an unlimited amount of new cartoons on the in-flight screen. They can have as much juice and snacks as they like. The food comes out hot and they never have to wait for the potty. It can be a great thing, especially when you factor in that kid legs can’t reach the back of seats in first class.

Take that all you kicky bastards under 10!

Not to mention the greatest benefit of all – the adults are being plied with unlimited free liquor so we’re in a great mood should there be an unavoidable meltdown.

About halfway through the flight I started to change my mind about how ok this was going to turn out. Dad was sitting next to little dude and was checked out watching his own shows. Little dude’s head kept listing forward and I could tell he was getting sleepy. He looked at dad and asked to sit with his mom. Mom held out her arms, when all of a sudden –

Dad In Charge emerged.

The Dad In Charge is the guy who never disciplines his child, or pays any attention to said child, until child wants something that Dad In Charge is not in the mood to grant. This particular Dad In Charge was offended that his child wanted Mommy and not the awesome Dad In Charge sitting next to him.

Little dude had a two-hour meltdown with screaming and kicking and punching.

Mom begged to sit next to little dude. The flight attendants begged Dad In Charge to trade seats with mom. They valiantly tried to bribe the kid while Dad In Charge waved off all help and said, “he needs to learn.” Even the other kid offered to trade her brother seats so he could have his Mommy. But Dad In Charge wouldn’t have it. He was the Dad In Charge and the kid was going to learn it.

I had my headphones at full volume and I could still hear the misery of the little dude. Thankfully the flight attendants realized that if Dad In Charge wouldn’t let them make the kid happy, they could give the rest of us more booze.

Those flight attendants should be given an award.

I had hatched a plan with my seat mate – a stranger prior to our bonding over the trauma we were suffering at the hands of Dad In Charge. We were going to hold the Dad In Charge down on the ground and beat him with twisty straws and plastic leis until he let the kid sit with his Mommy. Luckily the free booze showed up in front of us again and we decided the vodka needed all of our attention.

So to sum it up, kids should be allowed in first class but Dad In Charge obviously belongs in the back, sitting by themselves. This will allow all the little dudes to enjoy the unlimited cookies and juice without a Dad In Charge wrecking their lives!

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