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I have something to confess to you all. It may be a shocker to some of you who know me. I fully expect mocking to follow this important announcement.

I’m scared of cats.

I know, I know. Silly. I’ve owned cats. I had a few when I was a kid, and they weren’t family cats, they were all mine because I begged my parents for them. I had to care for them and love them and hug them. But all the while, I was waiting in fear.

Cats are motherfuckers. They will convince you they need to be pet and then as soon as your hand reaches forward they will tear into you like a fat kid on food. It is bizarre! If any dog did that we’d put that asshole to sleep! But cats, no. We make excuses and forgive them and wait for them to do it again.

And we all know they will do it again.

So my last foray into owning a cat was about 7 years ago. His name was Moo Cow Keet. Yes, he had a middle name. And yes, he looked like a cow. But the best part of his name is still to come. If you say all three words really fast, it will sound like you are ordering a chinese dish.

Irony was on of my superpowers at birth. Much like sarcasm and awesomeness.

I would never turn my back on this, or any other cat. When I walk by, I always carefully turn so that I am always facing the cat. Because the moment I turn my back on them, they are coming for me. Moo once jumped on the back of the Hubster’s calf. With his claws and teeth he reminded Hubster who owned the upstairs hallway.

And then Moo casually let go and pranced into Hubster’s lap for a little TV cuddle time.

Like I said, motherfuckers.

Sadly I have very few photos of Moo, and none of him when he was shaved so you could really appreciate his dappled cow look. (Stupid computer virus coupled with a person who hadn’t learned what an external hard drive was for.)

Moo Cow Keet

I am so cuddly. Don’t you just want to pet my belly? Go ahead, pet it… I dare you.

Moo Cow Keet

Come, let us watch TV together on this lovely couch…the couch that I own and allow you to sit on you silly human.

Moo Cow Keet

Toll to proceed upstairs: fear. I will decide if you’ve shown enough of it. Oh, and sorry in advance about your leg, that bleeding looks pretty bad. Maybe use some Neosporin?

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much