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I made the bad decision to take a night shower and woke up with the worst hair in the country. One side of my hair was fluffy and free-flowing, loving life in the fast lane. The other side was flat and depressed, praying for some Zoloft. And then we get to the back.

The cowlicks.

Fuck those guys. Those two bastards are just wrecking lives. They drank too much and partied too late into the night; nothing I do this morning will make them sober. It’s a damn good thing I don’t have an office job or I’d have to take a sick day.

So there I am, irritated with my cowlicks who loathe me for pushing them around all the time and I get an incoming text:

A good cow licking never hurt anyone!!

That is a good friend right there. Now pass me some glue so I can fix this.