The day started off normal enough. I played my farm game on my iPad before daycare. Checked my Facebook. Read a few tweets. Sent off some iMessages. It was business as usual. Within 3 hours I noticed that iMessage was completely down. I couldn’t send, couldn’t receive, there were red exclamation points all over.

Never one to give up, I head onto the internet for a bit of entertainment since messaging is down. Facebook won’t load. Alright, on to the next! Twitter doesn’t work. Curious. A bit scary, but still mostly curious. I reset the modem even though all the lights are indicating normal functions. Nothing changes at all.

The internet has been broken.

I didn’t want to be blamed, so I decided to watch television and pretend everything was fine. Then Hubster could come home from work, try to use the internet, and then I could blame him for breaking it.

Then I received a text message from a friend in California. She wants to know why the entire state is not getting internet. Since I’m two states above her and I also have no internet, I immediately hit the panic button.

The Russians are finally moving to take us down.

I began evacuation procedures. I would have to call Hubster once I got to Canada – there was no time to wait on him to drive home from work. It’s every man for himself in a crisis like this.

First, I decided to call a friend just in case I was overreacting. The moment she answered I blurted out, ‘I know this is going to sound all conspiracy theory and stuff, but I need you to hear me.’

Things always spiral out of control after a statement like that.

I start speed talking, she can’t get a word in. I am telling her that she needs to put the events together and work backwards.

  • The whole goddamn Internet went down
  • My farm game went down
  • Twitter went down
  • Facebook went down
  • iMessage went down
  • Celebrity nude photos were hacked, possible all of iCloud is now in danger
  • Home depot had a massive breach and data was stolen by the truckload (figuratively) by the same Russian hacking group that stole the Target info

Connect the dots, the Russians are coming!

At this point I am flat-out babbling on the phone to my friend. Being a good friend, she manages to stop laughing long enough to tell me to breathe deeply before I have a heart attack. Since the electrocution I suffered on Friday already gave my heart a scare, thinking about Russian invasions is not a good thing.

But I can’t stop. I mean, Internet is step one. Take out the Internet has been checked off their list. The next step is utilities like electric and water. Holy shit, it’s like that Die Hard movie with the hackers. AND I LOST ELECTRICITY ON FRIDAY!! Remember, the electrocution?!?!?! Sure, they (who is they? ponder that!) said it was “routine, scheduled maintenance” but that shit was supposed to happen at 0800 and it happened again at 1300. I bet the Russians cut power the second time to see if it’d work and they (who is they?!) didn’t want us to panic.

Then my phone cuts off. I wish I could blame it on a bad cellular signal, but it was a landline. It’s really happening.

Thankfully I’ve watched the movies and know what to do next.

I am then beset with a moment of clarity. I turn the Wi-Fi on my phone off. And I can actually get onto the Internet. Thank you 4G! I hit up Google and it seems like people all the way from WA straight down to CA are having issues and can’t get on the Internet.

Phew! It’s not the Russians AND it’s not the entire US.

My relief disappears as quickly as it came about. In the Die Hard movie they took down the East Coast before going after the rest of the country. But would the Russians follow that formula?! I mean, starting on the west coast makes more sense.

Oh no. Shut up brain. SHUT UP!

Taking out the west coast first is actually a much more brilliant plan. It’s where all the big techies live and then the Russians could take down the East Coast without much problem. And if you take out the west coast first, people might not put two and two together and realize they are following the plot of the Die Hard movie. They’ll fool people into thinking the outage is just normal and affecting the one area.

They almost fooled me!

Well, I’m not buying it. My brain is a powerhouse and it refuses to shut up. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner trying not to die.

P.S. I had to write this post in a Word document because, obviously, the Internet is down. I can’t get onto my blog. If for some reason the US doesn’t make it, I hope whoever inherits my computer will publish this for me.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much


2 replies on “I need to learn Russian…

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