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Today I scared myself shitless. I had to call a friend to talk myself down from the ledge.

She was too busy laughing at me to do it.

The day started off normal enough; I played my farm game app on my iPad before daycare. Checked my Facebook. Read a few tweets. Sent off some iMessages.

It was business as usual.

Within 3 hours I noticed that iMessage was completely down. I couldn’t send, couldn’t receive, there were red exclamation points all over. My phone hates me. I go to the iPad; it hates me also. iMac, check mark, it hates me most of all.

I don’t panic. I try to get into my iTunes account and it just sits there, halfway in, halfway out. Stupid progress bar, those things could drive you crazy!!

Why is nothing working today?!?!?!

I continue my day sending out text messages instead. I try to get on Facebook. It’s not working. iPhone, iPad, iMac, nothing at all. Facebook is dead. It’s a bit disturbing but I’m hanging in there.

I go to Twitter. Dead. Okay, that’s a little suspicious.

At this point I think it must be the modem. I mean, it shows all lights green but who the hell knows what tricks that demon modem is concocting. So I reset my system.

Doo do, do doo, doo doo do, doo do do do do, do do do do dooo ….That stupid Jeopardy theme songs kicks in any time I have to wait.

Internet still not working. Okie dokie. Let’s call Wave Broadband and see what’s up. The useless customer support gives me nothing. There is no outage that they know of so it must be my hardware.

A few minutes after hanging up with support I get a text message from a friend in CA. She is desperate to know why nothing is working. She can’t get on the internet. Nothing is working!

 HOLY SHIT, THE RUSSIANS ARE TAKING US DOWN!!!!

I almost started evacuation procedures. I planned on calling Jason once I got to Canada.

I decided to call a friend and the first words I say to her are “I know this is going to sound all conspiracy theory and stuff, but I need you to hear me.”

Conversations that start with that sentence are going to spiral out of control in a hurry.

So I start speed talking to her, she can’t get a word in. I am telling her that she needs to put the events together starting now and working backwards.

-The whole goddamn Internet went down

-My farm went down

-Twitter went down

-Facebook went down

-iMessage went down

-Celebrity nude photos were hacked, possible all of iCloud is now in danger

-Home depot had a massive breach and data was stolen by the truckload (figuratively) by the same Russian hacking group that stole the Target info

I mean, connect the dots damn it, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING!!!!!

At this point I am flat-out babbling on the phone to my friend. Like the trooper she is, she manages to stop laughing long enough to tell me to breathe deeply before I have a heart attack. Since the electrocution I suffered on Friday already gave my heart a scare, thinking about Russian invasions is not a good thing.

But I can’t stop. I mean, Internet is step one. Take out the Internet has been checked off their list. The next step is utilities like electric and water. Holy shit, it’s like that Die Hard movie with the hackers. AND I LOST ELECTRICITY ON FRIDAY!! Remember, the electrocution?!?!?! Sure, they (who is they? ponder that!) said it was “routine, scheduled maintenance” but that shit was supposed to happen at 0800 and it happened again at 1300. I bet the Russians cut power the second time to see if it’d work and they (who is they?!) didn’t want us to panic.

 IT’S ALL COMING TRUE!!!!!

This is where I practically had an aneurism. I had to hang up the phone before my friend’s laughter turned into alarm and some lovely military policeman showed up at my door with a straight jacket.

I take a few minutes to process my thoughts and decide to call Wave again.

And their phone number is disconnected. The one I had just called earlier to verify if there was an Internet problem on their end.

FUCK MY LIFE!!! It’s really happening.

I am then beset with a moment of clarity. I turn the Wi-Fi on my phone off. And I can actually get onto the Internet. Thank you 4G! I hit up Google and it seems like people all the way from WA straight down to CA are having issues and can’t get on the Internet.

Phew! It’s not the Russians AND it’s not the entire US.

My relief disappears as quickly as it came about. In the Die Hard movie they took down the East Coast before going after the rest of the country. But would the Russians follow that formula?! I mean, starting on the west coast makes more sense.

Oh god. Shut up brain. SHUT UP!

Taking out the west coast since that’s where all the big techies live and then the Russians are able to really take down the east coast without much problem.

And if you take out the west coast first, people might not put two and two together and realize they are following the plot of the Die Hard movie. They’ll fool people into thinking the outage is just normal and affecting the one area.

Like they almost fooled me!

Well, I’m not buying it. My brain is a powerhouse and it refuses to shut up. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner trying not to die.

P.S. I had to write this post in a Word document because, obviously, the Internet is down. I can’t get onto my blog. If for some reason the US doesn’t make it, I hope whoever inherits my computer will publish this for me.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much

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