Auctions – they’re about having fun, eating good food, and raising money for a good cause. This one was to fund scholarships to send the children of Navy sailors to college. Well, that’s what I thought they were about.
Then everything changed.
The meal choices are sent out weeks in advance, offering us beef, chicken, or vegetarian dishes. Last year, the beef was cut into chunks and served in a dessert bowl, smothered in a strange brown goo. It was so gross that we just tried to hold it down. The chicken was in a white goo that looked even less appetizing. The vegetarians in the building lucked the fuck out and got a delicious pasta dish.
So this year, we were given the same three choices – beef, chicken or vegetarian. And I, thinking I would outsmart the system, decided to get the vegetarian dish and enjoy some pasta. Only to find out that the restaurant had won again. They served up a veggie wrap with a sick looking green tortilla.
Shit got real.
Everyone who ordered the vegetarian dish was perplexed. You see, we had all been to the event the year before, and the year before that – we knew what happened when you ordered beef or chicken. We all thought we were so smart and now we were going to suffer.
I mean, I like a good salad, but this was not one of those. It was a bunch of vegetables in a really odd tortilla with no sauce on it. Why would anyone want to eat cold, raw veggies without a little sauce?! There was no blue cheese, no mayonnaise, not even a smidgen of mustard to be had. After the first bite, I decided I would rather give up my vision than eat the wrap.
There was a moment we thought salvation was upon us.
The people who had ordered meat had been given sauce, and they kindly offered it up to us since our food looked so sad compared to theirs. One was what could only be compared to barbecue sauce, but not quite as good. The other sauce was pink and a bit frightening – no one knew what its origins were.
They were both bad choices.
I am now trying to come to grips with the fact that I live in a hippie state where this kind of food is not only normal, but it is looked upon with joy by many around me.
A special thank you to Eric and Alberta for giving me the slice of chocolate cake that probably saved the lives of everyone in that entire building. Fat kids cannot be starved, we don’t deal with it well! And of course, a special shout out to all those who made the auction happen. It’s not your fault the restaurant serves weird food.
I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet
Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: