So I finally got around to watching the Harry Potter movies. And I must say, these kids annoy the shit out of me. I just prayed they would die…but alas, they made it through. Except for Edward. He died, and Bella had to cry for the rest of her life with her freaky baby…..oh wait, movie crossover coming to theaters soon.

Let’s go through my list of grievances. And I’m fully aware that the movie is fiction, I am not insane. But I yelled at the TV for 1,179 minutes. So you’ll have to make up for that, okay?!

1) These eleven year olds, one of whom knows nothing about magic, act like they can take on anything without adult assistance. I get we want our children to be confident, but where are the adults?!?! The adults who should have powers to know when their students are running around like maniacs with wands.

2) Why do these dumbass children never tell Dumbledore when they are in trouble??? Snakes are talking to you and you think you are the stupid heir to the very bad guy…why not tell Dumbledore? Because they’re dumbasses.

3) Why does Harry always have to be reminded that he isn’t alone??? He keeps whining about his dead family and all I want to do is strangle him. LOTS of people are orphans, you are not one of them. You have quite the extended “family” trying to take care of you!


4) Why does anyone like this stupid Dobby the elf? I know people who cried, CRIED, when he died. I cheered because I didn’t have to be annoyed by the fact that the great Harry Potter couldn’t even zap him to shut him up. I mean, SHUT UP already! Nasty little elf.

5) Why didn’t Harry ever cast a spell of shut the hell up on his muggle family?!?! No magic outside of school aside, who would’ve known? And even if they did find out and slap you on the wrist, it would’ve been well worth it. And besides, you wouldn’t have been punished too much, you’re the goddamned saving grace of all wizardry. Act like it.

6) And when the hell did Harry realize he loved Ginny? I mean, who has the time with all the bad wizards trying to whack you out? I saw him sucking face with the other girl a few times, so when the HELL did Ginny come in?

If I was ever blessed with magical abilities I know I would make Voldemort proud. I rooted for him to win the entire time.

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