Dear Lola,
For the past 5 years my now daughter-in-law has been attending my annual dinner party for my entire extended family. I make traditional Portuguese food from our family recipes that have been handed down for generations. Others who have the recipes also contribute dishes to the event. My daughter-in-law asked if she could help this year and I was ecstatic. I told her we would get together and I would be happy to teach her whichever of the recipes she wanted to learn.
She scoffed and said she went to culinary school and would be able to recreate the dish and improve upon any of the recipes since she had eaten them all for the past five years. Upset, I told her that my annual party was to serve and highlight the original family recipes. We all have our own adaptations, but this family reunion is where we honor the original dishes. I then offered her the option to make any Portuguese inspired dish of her choosing so long as it wasn’t one of the dishes the family already serves.
Unfortunately, my daughter-in-law did not like my suggestion and is now complaining to the entire family that she isn’t being allowed to showcase her culinary skills because the family wants to continue to eat ‘tasteless junk’ in honor of people who had less access to ingredients. She also used the word slop with some family members and now even my son is upset since he looks forward to this party every year.
Am I wrong in wanting my family tradition to continue?
Sincerely,
Paula from Portugal
Dear Paula from Portugal,
I have walked into a very sticky mess indeed. Almost like someone poured an entire truckful of honey into my office and asked me to find my furry way out without leaving a trail in my wake. Unless I can somehow choke down the honey, I’m surely going to leave a path of destruction everywhere I go — much like any options I give to you.
Did your ancestors have access to honey or should I blame your new daughter for this?!
You are currently in a lose/lose scenario and I’m struggling to find a way for you to free yourself from this mess. If you let your new daughter-in-law alter a family recipe, your extended family will get upset. Though I imagine they already are in light of her calling the family recipes tasteless junk. On the other hand, if you do not let your daughter-in-law alter a family recipe, she will continue to erode relationships and maybe even cause a rift between your son and the rest of the group.
It is difficult to navigate new family members when someone is acting unreasonable.
For the record, that difficult someone is your new daughter-in-law. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to pretend to enjoy a family tradition, for five whole years mind you, when it was tasteless junk well beneath her sophisticated palate. It seems now that she is securely married she feels confident enough to tell the family how she really feels about you and your traditions. This is the moment when you need to decide if you want to preserve your family tradition or lose your son at family gatherings. Unless you go with option three, which I just so happen to have right here…
Hang on one second while I swim through this honey to find my notes.
Allow your new daughter-in-law to make one of the dishes to her tastes. It will in no way impact the dishes you make as you continue to faithfully recreate the original dishes as your ancestors taught you. Some people may eat hers, some people may eat yours, but I’m guessing most people will give both of them a taste. If your daughter-in-law has offended enough people in the family with her comments, she may end up hearing a bit of truth about what people think of her ‘improvements’ to the original. I can only hope she will be mature enough to realize that schooling and talent doesn’t replace memories of past people and times — though from what you have written it sounds unlikely.
Console yourself with the thought that one day someone will scoff at her recipes and lack of access to whatever culinary marvels the colony on Mars will send back to Earth.
♥Lola♥
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Shank You Very Much 