Dear Lola,
My boyfriend has been making what I consider to be risky financial decisions. I save my money and like to be able to travel when time allows. My boyfriend says he wants to travel but he spends his money frivolously, curtailing the number of trips we can take. This month he decided to spend over $800 on fireworks for our Fourth of July party. He said that I am the one who decided to host a party and spend money on food and decorations for a cookout, so I have no room to complain about what he spent on entertainment. I not so calmly pointed out that I invited everyone to a potluck, meaning they all bring food and drinks to share, and that my total out of pocket for the party was $100. My boyfriend does not see the difference between $100 and $800 because it’s all for the same party. I see it as the cost of plane tickets that he foolishly spent to ‘show our friends a good time’ at our house. What can I do to prevent this madness in the future?
Sincerely,
Not Made of Money
Dear Not Made of Money,
The way I see it, there are three possibilities for the problem that is occurring. One, your boyfriend doesn’t actually care about travel and would rather spend his money on other entertainment. Two, your boyfriend does want to travel but does not have the impulse control to stop his frivolous spending. Three, your boyfriend is trying to portray an image of himself that does not currently exist. I’ll work through these possibilities and solutions and it will be up to you to figure out which path you are on.
I’m leading you to the water, all you need to do is shove his head under it.
I’m just kidding! Please do not do something as drastic as shoving the poor man’s head under the water. Not only will it end your relationship, it just may end your freedom for five to ten years.
Your boyfriend does not actually care to save money for travel.
I can already feel you asking the question – but why would my boyfriend say he wants to travel if he doesn’t actually want to? To which I would point out that you seem to be new to the idea of human nature. People pretend to like things in an effort to forward a relationship with someone they like. Most times this is innocent and usually doesn’t cause problems in a relationship. For example, someone says they like basketball when they meet someone new. They then go to basketball games with their new love interest and either enjoy it or hate it. If they enjoy it, everyone wins. If they hate it, someone needs to find a new basketball buddy. Some relationships continue, some don’t. It’s not that complicated.
Obvious solution: figure out if this relationship is worth compromise.
Your boyfriend does not have impulse control over his spending.
You used the term risky financial decisions which I am puzzling over. Risky decisions would be spending your rent money on cocaine or buying a Ferrari when you only have the money for a small family car. Spending travel money on a party seems the opposite of risky. Travel is frivolous. Parties are frivolous. Neither one is necessary spending which means they come out the same when viewed as entertainment in your budget. If he can pay his living expenses and still have money for his extracurricular activities without going into debt, there is absolutely no reason to assume he has impulse control problems.
Obvious solution: figure out if this relationship is worth compromise.
Your boyfriend is portraying an image of himself that doesn’t exist.
Every human in the world adapts to portray themselves in a way they want to be viewed. This portrayal may shift depending on the group your are interacting with. While some people call this manipulative, I call it human nature. You cannot for one second tell me that you act the same with your elderly grandmother as you do with your best friend. I will not believe you, so let’s not even go down that ridiculous path. Drawing on my limited knowledge of your boyfriend’s fireworks spending spree, I can only hypothesize here. Perhaps your boyfriend is trying to keep up an appearance of a fun-time guy who throws a great party when all he really wants to do is read a book. Again, this is a haphazard guess at best, since the only information I have at my disposal is the fact that he spent his discretionary money on fireworks, when you would rather he had used it to travel with you.
Obvious solution: figure out if this relationship is worth compromise.
The solution is not only simple, it is rather obvious.
Figure out if this relationship is worth compromise. While you say you want to travel with your discretionary money, you also wanted to host a party. Your boyfriend got on board with both of those plans but you didn’t approve of how much party he would then plan on throwing. Instead, you ‘not so calmly’ pointed out how you were right and he was wrong because he spent more than you did.
Simple communication should help prevent this madness in the future.
♥Lola♥
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Shank You Very Much 