Dear Lola,
The summer season is finally here and school has been out for one week. I have already heard my kids whine about being bored more times than my patience can handle. I admit to tossing them out into the backyard and telling them to find a way to enjoy their morning or I’d find something for them to complain about. How can I keep my children occupied while still working from home full time? My kids are eight and ten years old so they need limited supervision when on our property and I make a point to have a scheduled activity every afternoon once I am done working.
Sincerely,
Weary of the Whining
Dear Weary of the Whining,
Ah, the dreaded summer vacation. Once heralded as a mecca for Miniature Humans – who looked forward to their parent-free backyard adventures – we now see a shift leaving the new generations of Miniature Humans restless and in need of a constant source of entertainment. Except we all know that since the dawn of time, Miniature Humans have used the phrase ‘I’m bored’ even when fully engaged in an activity of their choosing, generational lines be damned. That’s what makes the Miniature Human so infuriating. So now it’s time to get proactive and occupy their time before you end up trading them in for a new model.
Put your Miniature Humans to work. I hear manual labor is exhausting.
Think about it. Exhausted Miniature Humans are not capable of keeping their eyes open, thus eliminating the dreaded ‘I’m bored’ from slipping out of their mouths. I bet your lawn could use some tending and it’s never too soon to learn how to work a lawnmower. There are also gardens to plant and weeds to pull. If you’ve already done all of those things, consider installing a massive rock garden along your property boundary. Hauling a mountains worth of rock should wear them out!
Pawn your Miniature Humans off on your elderly neighbors.
Surely you have a few older people in your neighborhood who spend their days wishing they lived closer to their grandchildren. Send your Miniature Humans over to their house with a plate piled high with cookies and sit back for a day of silence and meditation. Your Miniature Humans will be lucky if they can escape that house before dinner is served! And the best part of the plan is that your Miniature Humans will not even see it coming – they’ll be too dazzled by the pile of cookies. You will be able to repeat this as often as needed because the lure of cookies will be too great for your Miniature Humans to resist.
Send your Miniature Humans on a treasure hunt.
Mind you, this is no ordinary treasure hunt. Instead, you’ll need to team up with other parents in your neighborhood – they also have heard ‘I’m bored’ a thousand times and are desperate to make it stop. You’ll create a map that spans the entire block of houses and requires difficult steps and impossible clues to solve in order to find the treasure. Think Indiana Jones with more Nazis, more doomed temples, and no whips or hats to save the day. Each day is spent in a different backyard until everyone has had their turn minding the gaggle of Miniature Humans. Then repeat the process until summer is over. The plot twist is that there is no treasure. However, think about the joy of having to listen to whining only one day each week. Sure, you’ll hear it from a dozen mouths, but doesn’t it already feel that way with only your two in residence?!
Leave a list of local adoption agencies on the counter.
Your Miniature Humans are old enough to read and likely curious enough to ask questions. They’ll inquire as to whether you are getting them a new sibling and you must coyly answer no. When they ask why there are adoption packets laid out, simply tell them you’re looking into other options since they don’t seem happy at their current home. However, I do feel the need to add a caveat to this plan.
You may inflict permanent emotional damage if you choose this route.
There was a fantastic 90s era family movie called Problem Child. It was about a mischievous Miniature Human who was adopted and returned multiple times. He ended up acting out in increasingly destructive ways – a feline wound up in leg casts and a home may or may not have been set on fire. Oh, he also almost killed his grandfather and then went on the lamb with an escaped prisoner despite being only nine years old. Hmmm. Now that I think about it, I’m shocked that this movie was labeled a fun family movie for all ages. It seems like you may be inadvertently arming a disgruntled Miniature Human with ideas they plan to carry out the next time they feel their dessert isn’t up to par. Terrifying.
You continue to send your Miniature Humans into the wilds of the backyard.
You seem confident in their ability to play with minimal supervision and it’s not like you are miles away from them if they need actual help. One panicked yell and you could jump through the window to get to them quickly – that mom adrenaline is capable of superhuman feats when activated. Not only will your Miniature Humans learn a healthy dose of independence in the backyard jungle, they will likely form lifelong memories of the things siblings do together that no one else will ever know.
Isn’t that what summer is all about?
♥Lola♥
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Shank You Very Much 