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As the holidays draw near, people start traveling to visit their family. Or they visit a nice hotel and take long naps while their families are a thousand miles away – arguing over who served the dry roast beef with rubbery carrots.

I’m not here to judge your decisions.

In fact, I want to empower you to drive far, far away in any direction you like as long as the destination is somewhere you want to be. Screw society, be selfish this holiday season and get those bikini tan lines in the Caribbean while the nanny feeds the kids boxed macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.

Just make sure you arrive to your destination safely.

Road Trip Tip #1

If you decide to disregard my tip, see #4.

Road Trip Tip #2

In the event you get pulled over, the dog’s smile may get you out of a ticket.

Road Trip Tip #3

Those guys startle easily and then they stab you with their head swords and you bleed out on the side of a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.

Road Trip Tip #4

You ate the sushi from the gas station didn’t you?!
Your belly may have thanked you – your butt will not.

Road Trip Tip #5

Go watch any serial killer show on Netflix. Hitchhikers every time.

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