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What is the deal with salt water taffy? Is it a food? Is it a workout tool? Is it intended to inflict undue stress on the unsuspecting victim who just wanted a snack while watching the television late at night?!

A teal/green owl that says

I had a box of taffy in the house and decided that I needed to give it a fair shot now that I am an adult. I hoped that my childish aversion to any form of exercise, resulting in my irrational dislike of taffy, would have lessened as I got older.

Why I thought this was possible, I may never know.

I started on the first piece of taffy, wincing at the taste. Sweeter than its name implies, the candy was off to a bad start. I began chewing and quickly realized I was wasting my time. By the time I would be able to finish one piece, my stomach would be empty and protesting as loudly as possible.

Being a good neighbor, I couldn’t allow that disruption to the community.

I have (wisely) decided to maintain my active dislike of salt water taffy and all of the effort it requires. Instead, I will snack on other foods that require less chewing and will ultimately fill up my belly – this will prevent an undignified meltdown resulting in the leveling of an entire city block.

Toddler tantrums are dangerous when performed in an adult body.

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