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White sand, soft and warm. Beautiful blue water, clear as glass. Wind, gently blowing the salty fragrance. Sunshine, lightly bathing the skin in Vitamin D. These words bring up lovely images for people who are fond of the ocean. Being raised in Hawai’i, I’m sure you all naturally assume I must feel the same.

You would be wrong.

A meme showing a tranquil ocean with the phrase 'what normal people think of the beach...' and then a image of a shark jumping out of the water with the phrase 'what I think of the beach'

Beaches conjure up images from the most iconic movie of my youth. Watched well before my tiny brain was developmentally capable of distinguishing fact from fiction, Jaws marked the ocean as a deathtrap just waiting for me to jump in. I have a healthy respect for the dinosaurs that are still swimming in the ocean and refuse to barge into their home and make myself comfortable.

I swimmer in the water with a giant shark looming right behind her showing it's teeth like a smile. The shark says

Despite all of my friends and family attempting to convince me otherwise, my toes do not touch the ocean. I also shun the use of boats because Jaws managed to sink several of them throughout his movie career.

What proof do we really have that Titanic was sunk by an iceberg?!

No, thank you. I will happily sit on the sand, awaiting the screams of terror that will prompt me to call for emergency help. Should you make it back out alive, I’ll hand you a dry towel.

A cartoon shark who has his front half of the body out of the water and looking at you with his mouth open and the phrase 'cue my music' underneath him.

This is my newest Zazzle design. His name is Gustave and he hails from France – you may spot him wearing a beret when he is trying to blend in. Gustave is available in my store right now. Click right here to check him out!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: