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Summer is coming to an end and we all know what that means – the kids will return to school. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why should I care about the start of the school year when I have no kids and I am not a teacher? I’ve compiled a list for you, and unlike the school supply list, this one won’t cost you anything!

I can sit in a park without looking creepy.

Yes, I like to sit in parks. Sometimes it’s nice to go somewhere to get a bit of sun. And sometimes I have to wait for the lunchtime rush to die down at the Taco Bell before I head over for a snack. Driving all the way home seems like a waste when there’s a bench and a breeze right there – plus I can smell the delicious taco meat cooking. Yet during the summer, people see an adult sitting alone in a park and they automatically assume I want to steal a kid. Trust me, no one wants to steal your kid – I just want tacos without the traffic.

I can get closer parking spots at the shops.

Kids mean crowds. Parents get desperate and take their kids to the local mall and unleash them upon society for a few hours of parental relief. My parents did the same thing to me but I had no idea how much I was inconveniencing the childless adults around me. I would have stayed home and bothered my mother even more!

The coffee drive thru will be free of chaos.

Imagine this. You pull up to a line of cars at the coffee shop – all you see in front of you are minivans stuffed full of people, shrieking like harpies. Mothers shrieking at children to pick what they want off the menu. Kids shrieking at each other because someone is touching their arm. The coffee shop employee shrieking at her boss because she can’t take the stress. School must start immediately, for the sake of us all.

The neighborhood is quiet again.

My neighbor has three small children, all adorable cherubs who love to play in the sprinkler. They are not the problem. No, the problem lies with the teens who race up and down the street in their cars, music blasting their ears into oblivion. I remember being a teen, I also remember the threat of death my parents administered right before I would crank up the music. I had to drive halfway up the street before I felt safe enough to pump up my music. I would like to apologize to everyone on my street who just wanted to nap in peace on a hot day.

Social media will once again be full of happy people.

Face it, summer is the black hole for social media. Everyone is complaining about their kids being bored, complaining about the heat, complaining about sibling fighting, complaining about their utility and food bills. Once summer ends we can continue on the proper path for social media – complaining about homework, complaining about early mornings, complaining about field trips forms and excessive homework. Eh. Hopefully the memes will be better this school year.

An image of a trophy that says 'I survived the summer... and no one else died either.'


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