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Every summer, like clockwork, I hear my friends complain about the lack of things to do with their children once they are out of school. Throughout the school year parents are frantically keeping the homework moving, school lunches packed, kids in uniform, and sport schedules straight. Yet each summer those same parents regret all those complaints as they are faced with endless days and whining children.

Instead of plotting the demise of your eldest, enjoy those fleeting moments of summer happiness. Keeping busy will prevent that inevitable countdown of days until your youngest is mandated by law to return to school, thus freeing you from the restrictions of not being able to openly swear when you stub your toe while vacuuming.

THE PARENT’S ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SUMMER VACATION

  • Find a crowded area, preferably one that frowns upon children, and use your stroller as a battering ram while yelling “we’ve got poop!” at the top of your lungs.
  • Visit your nearest beach while wearing clothing from head to toe. Offer other parents your unsolicited advice about the harmful effects of the sun on their children’s skin.
  • Stop into businesses and apply for new jobs with your children in tow. When asked what your current occupation is, state that you are a Miniature Human Production Line.
  • Throw glitter at your children. Chart how long it takes for them to clean it up. (This is intended as a multi-year experiment. Yes, your kids will hate you, but at least you had fun!)
  • While at the park, drink milk out of a brown paper bag – like a boss.
  • Play your favorite song on repeat until your children beg you to turn it off forever. Then turn the volume up and dance.
  • Buy stock in a sunscreen lotion company. Shame parents on social media for not using up a bottle each week on their precious children. Count all the money from your investment.
  • Allow kids to start a new show, but make them watch the series finale first.
  • Go to the park and share a sophisticated platter of crackers and cheese with a stranger. When they offer to repay you with a kindness, ask them to babysit while you have a nap.
  • Sprinkle cereal on the living room floor. Drink wine while the kids are occupied.

Summer vacation may seem endless, but torturing your children will make it go by in a snap!

*This list is not intended as actual advice or activities that you should partake in. If you do partake in these activities, prepare for the inevitable visit from child services and/or other organizations in your community that check on the welfare of small humans. You may also require bail money and I am not going to provide it for you. Any harm that befalls you from listening to an internet non-expert is your own fault and you alone shall pay that price. Good luck and I’ll see you when the summer is over.


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