I am not ashamed to admit that I am a fat kid. I have worked very hard to earn the accolades that come with my status. I frequently impress people with my skills at mimicking a statue for hours on end – with only my eyes moving as I track the tv screen. I have also been commended on my ability to eat foods that would lay out the average human – like a deep-fried Oreo. While everyone else could feel their arteries clogging, I was plotting how many I could eat before I died.

I stopped at two because I got nervous that no one would be on hand to do CPR if things went wrong.

Lately though I’ve been peer pressured into visiting my doctor since I haven’t had a physical in a few years. Before you jump all over me, I have been to many, many doctors in those three years. Once when my appendix tried to murder me in my sleep – I’m still a bit bummed they wouldn’t let me see if after it was removed. I also visited the doctor about a dozen times before my gallbladder made its final attempt on my life and they decided to yank that organ out. Once again, they wouldn’t let me see it, they acted as if I might try to steal it to display in a jar to freak people out or something…

I made the appointment to visit my primary doctor and then I had a moment of panic.

I scheduled a physical with my doctor. I have three weeks to undo 34 years of damage to my body from Taco Bell and cake.

What if my rugged lifestyle was leading me towards diabetes and heart problems? Would the doctor make me give up my beloved bacon and cake? If my cholesterol wasn’t perfect would the doctor snatch the very precious cheese out of my hands? Would I be forced onto a salad diet, dressing on the side?! I can’t be one of those people! I can’t, I won’t!

Why didn’t I take better care of my body?!?! WHY?!!

I had no need to worry. I can now tell anyone who cares to listen that my body is a ridiculously well-tuned machine. All my labs came back excellent except for that bastard Vitamin D. I get a pass on that one though, practically everyone in WA state is deficient thanks to our lack of sunlight. The doctor was thrilled that she didn’t have to give me her “you are about to develop a serious disease and die” speech that makes people cry.

Someone bring me a deep-fried Oreo! I’ll also take some cake if you’ve got it!


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69 replies on “I’ll just have the salad…

  1. Being in the west of Scotland, deep fried Mars bars (and pizzas) are our speciality. Lush…so I feel you on the Oreos!

    Glad you got a clean bill of health! I wish it was the norm here to go for a whole body check up. The doctors here only want to see you once you’re already ill.

    #anythinggoes

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ours doctors used to only care when we were sick but now they realize that costs a lot more money. Preventative care saves a ton by catching things early!

      Deep fried candy bars…sounds delicious!

      Like

  2. I’m glad you got a clean bill of health. I’m with you on the gallbladder they wouldn’t let me see mine either. Although apparently people used to have jewellery made from their gallstones. I’m not sure that would have appealed to me but each to their own! Go enjoy your Oreos but I’ll stick with deep fried mars bars for now. #dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You sound like my husband, eats/drinks what he wants and continues to have a clean bill of health. I’m only bitter because I’m jealous. So reassuring you’ve been given the all clear. As for the vitamin d – at least that’s easy to solve. Move to the Caribbean 😉 #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad you have been given the all clear! I am a huge eater too and always did exercise so could justify it. I’m now looking at how I can still have what I want but how I can adjust it a little so I don’t do damage.

    Erin
    #dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Glad you are fit and healthy, but it is a lot easier said than done….I used to be a healthy eating freak….then I had three children and by mid afternoon I need the sugary treats to boost my mood!!!! #dreamteamlinky

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What a relief your health report came back clean!! My husband eats whatever he wants and I’m super jealous that nothing seems to affect him. We live in London, UK, so there is a lack of sun and Vit. D deficiency seems to affect alot of people! Maybe it’s time to just book another holiday to a sunny destination! #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

  7. ahem.
    I’m a doctor and I’m getting on my soapbox.
    You don’t have to be ashamed of being a “fat kid” or eating fried oreos. (once in a while).
    You DO have to be ashamed of knowing you have bad habits, being scared of your bad habits, but geting a “get out of jail free card” from your doc, and going right back to your bad habits. TSK!
    You know better, girlfriend. Don’t make me come after you.
    You’re young and have time on your side. ….but not for long! (cue evil laugh).
    ok, I’m getting off the soap box. Please don’t shoot me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. to be clear, I am in RI, so I can’t ACTUALLY come after you b/c that would be an expensive flight to WA state, but you get what I’m saying. Also, New England positively has you beat in the lack of sun and vitamin D department. Mine was in the turlet last year, at 13 or something. I was worried i’d take a wrong step and break a hip. :-/

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Gosh we don’t have to have physicals in the UK like this – I’d be terrified about what mine would say! I eat far too many sweets and crisps (candies and potato chips I think over the pond!) but it goes to show that, actually, if you’re listening to your body you’ll be fine. Deep fried Oreos though?! I don’t think I could do it! #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Haha, this post gave me a good giggle. I had a kind of physical as work were handing them out on my break, I was well scared (as it was when I used to smoke) but I was super fit and healthy somehow? We don’t seem to have physicals in the UK, I think you can if you want to but people forget to ask the GP. I would be just as worried as you though if I had to have one now as my hobbies include: cooking with at least half a litre of double cream everyday and making Christmas hot chocolates (thanks to everyone discussing them in blogs) #dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh my goodness! Deep fried Oreo’s? What do they taste like? I can’t quite picture it, but now I can’t stop thinking about sausages in batter (deep fried sausage in a crispy batter), the ones that you get from the chip shop. Great that your results came back all clear. It’s always a bit of a worry isn’t it, but a good thing to do. Thanks for being a brilliant host on the #DreamTeam xx

    Like

  11. So glad to know that you are healthy! Despite Taco Bell! It is also good to know you are thinking about being healthy and not getting some dreaded disease. Love ya kiddo, so stick around! Fried Oreos in moderation for all! ❤ #dreamteam xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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