EXT. HOME SWEET HOME- NIGHT (2016)
A cold, late spring night. LOLA, an adorably chubby English Bulldog who enjoys a good caper, is sitting at the back door of the home. MOMMYBEAST, the put upon owner of Lola who indulges every whim the baby Bulldog desires (unless it will lead to disfigurement or death), stands at the door. Mommybeast is impatient.
Mom, I have to go pee.
Go potty now, that way we can go to bed afterwards.
Okay, but it’s cold out there so hold the door for me. I don’t want to get stuck out there like last time.
You mean that one time I left you out there for 15 seconds while I turned on a light switch?
Yes, that time. It was life altering and I’m still in therapy for it. I mean, I would be if you would take me to therapy instead of laughing at my request.
(Lola proceeds outside. Lola walks around the yard, trying to find that special spot.)
Mommybeast, I can’t find my spot. You need to mow this grass. I can’t believe these are the conditions you leave me in.
Just go to the bathroom. I’m ready for bed.
(walks around muttering to herself)
That woman never appreciates my requests. I should really seek new lodgings with people who will cherish my fluffiness.
Lola, come inside already! Lola! Lola? Hello, why are you just standing there?
(Lola, standing completely still looking at Mommybeast)
Lola, what are you doing?!
(Mommybeast, walking over to investigate the frozen Lola)
Lola, why are you just staring at me? Come on, let’s go!
(Lola falls over stiff as a board)
Dear god!!! What is the matter?!?!?!
(holds front paw straight out in horror)
There is a poop on my paw. I stepped in a poop.
There’s no poop on your paw. There’s nothing. Come on, let’s go inside.
There’s a POOP on my PAW! Get it off!
There is NO poop on your paw. Now get up and let’s go inside!
(still holding front paw straight out in horror)
I’m dead. I’m just dead. I can no longer continue on. Goodbye.
(lifts a large Lola and carries her into the house)
The neighbors are going to have me committed one day. I can’t believe I am carrying a bulldog into the house because she thinks she stepped on a mythological poop. It was a fucking pine cone, but god knows once she thinks it’s a poop then it must be a poop. Nope, Mommybeast is an idiot who doesn’t know anything.
(peeks out window)
Honey, I think our new neighbor is crazy. She’s talking to herself while carrying a dog around at 1 in the morning.
I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet
Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much