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Last night there was an intense standoff. It all started when I made Lola go out, into the pitch dark void that is our backyard at night. She doesn’t like to go out at night, but I also don’t like poop and pee in my bed, so I force her into it.

So there I am, standing on the back patio, watching a bulldog refuse to poop. She was just staring through the slats of the wooden fence with her tail at attention. I kept telling Lola that she was being ridiculous, there’s nothing there.

“Lola, go poop!”

“No Mommybeast, I’m protecting you.”

“Lola, go poop! There’s nothing out there. Now go poop!”

“Mommybeast, be quiet, you’re drawing their attention.”

“Lola, go poop or so help me god I am leaving you out here tonight!”

“Mommybeast, don’t be ridiculous. You’ll never leave me out here. Now shut up, I’m focusing on the kill.”

“I would so leave you…focusing on the kill?! What kill?! You can’t even kill that squirrel that threw an acorn at you and a pine cone at me! Is it the squirrel you see? Usually he sits on top of that fence rail and mocks us.”

“Mommybeast, be quite. I’m preparing my assault and I need to focus. It’s not a squirrel. You should get behind me.”

“This is ridiculous! GO POOP!”

“Yes, good Mommybeast, keep distracting them while I sneak towards them. A little more yelling will help me get closer.”

“Lola, there is nothing there!!!! GO POOP RIGHT NOW!”

At this point, I knew I was going to wake up with poop in the bed. As a desperate last attempt at appeasing the bulldog, I decided to get the flashlight.

“Alright, I’ve got a light. There’s nothing there, you dork.”

The light swings over the fence and there are two giant deer right at the railing, peering at my Lola. I imagine they wanted to know why I was in possession of a baby deer. They may have also been planning their own rescue mission. Luckily, I yelped and between that and the strobe feature on my flashlight, the deer decided it was better to run away.

“See Mommybeast, we were under siege. I’ll expect an apology piece of cheese before bed.”


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