Today I went over to a friend’s house to return a stroller that I had borrowed. I hadn’t let my friend know I was coming because I’m sneaky like that.

As I drove up to the house, I noticed her van was gone. I sat in my car, puzzled. She runs a home daycare and she’s usually home during the day. I decided to take my Little out of the car and head up to her door, maybe her husband had taken the van to work.

The front door was sitting wide open.

The screen door was open, the wooden door was open. All of it was open. I call out and get no response, no one was home.

As I backed away from the door and put the Little back in her car seat, I debated my options. I decided to go with the simplest route and used my phone to call my friend’s cell phone. She doesn’t answer.

This is where my brain is pre-programmed to play reruns of Criminal Minds. Nothing good ever comes from a front door left open.

Not one to do nothing when someone may be in trouble, I type 911 into my phone and hesitantly get a little closer to the front door again. As I call out hello, I am desperately hoping to see a Little come around a corner and announce that my friend is merely unconscious from some sort of crayon incident. No such luck.

Just an empty, quiet house.

It was at this point I got worried that someone had broken in and done harm to my friend and her children and then drove off in their van. I walked through the door and began calling out frantically.


Luckily, I wasn’t totally unarmed. I pulled out the tool that my husband swore I needed to keep in our vehicle at all times. You know, the one I swore I wouldn’t need and he was just being a worrier. Yeah, that one. I grab my glass breaker and clutch it in my hand as I walk around the house. I crept around slowly, that way I can shank anyone in the house who jumps out at me.

Once I determined that no one is home, I started rapid fire calling my friend. She isn’t answering which led me to become even more paranoid because she always answers her phone. I run to the back of the house and check to make sure both dogs are present since only one of them is barking. And there, under their towels, sit two cute dogs just waiting to play. I look around, no blood.

The lack of a pool of blood is reassuring.

I resolve to try my friend one more time before I call in the police and she miraculously answers. She says she must have forgotten to close the door on her way out of the house with five kids.

Seriously?!?!?! I almost died of fright because you forgot to close your door? How does one even forget that?! She’s on my shank list now.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much 

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