Disclaimer: If you have recently lost a loved one please for the love of god, do NOT read any further. Unless you were the guy making jokes during the wake. Then you can continue reading because I am the one who makes jokes during the wake. Hey, we all deal differently.

You know how everyone loves to customize things? Cakes, shirts, M&Ms? How about customizable Twinkies???!?!!!

Think about it. The custom wedding Twinkies everyone could devour when the steak is served dry with a side of disgusting potatoes and limp veggies. No one would be able to remember the crappy food you catered because you served Twinkies afterwards!

I’d buy custom Twinkies by the truckload! I would have ones for days where I’m sad, ones for days of joy, one for days where the Littles have too much energy and I have none. I’d even have some Twinkies ready in case I had to attend a funeral.

Now, hear me out.

If I were having a funeral for a loved one, I would desperately want a custom Twinkie to brighten my day. Everyone is bringing me food anyways – at least bring me something that is heartfelt, spongy and nuclear radiation yellow. How could I be sad when I’m eating a piece of sunshine?!?! And if I was the one in the coffin, I’d expect one to go in with me….

I just realized that since I plan on being cremated, the Twinkie would be burned up. Since that is an egregious waste of a good Twinkie I guess someone will have to suck it up and eat the Twinkie for me. I’m being generous with my Twinkies, but I guess I can considering I’m dead.

So, how about it? Would you order custom Twinkies for your loved ones?

P.S. I googled customizable Twinkies and the very first image I saw was one of a Twinkie coffin. That’s right. It’s a coffin AND a Twinkie. My first thought – I knew I wasn’t alone in my thinking of Twinkie funeral etiquette. My second – how the hell do I arrange for one of these to hold my corpse until the raging inferno reduces me to ash?

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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much

4 replies on “3 Twinkies and a funeral…

    1. I think it may be Twinkies. By a very small margin. And only because bacon can quickly step in should I run out of Spam. It isn’t the same, but it will satisfy the beast until I get to a grocery store. There is no replacing a Twinkie with anything else on this planet. I’ve looked.


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