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Today I broke our Wave Broadband modem. On purpose.

Maybe we should start at the beginning. For those of you who are new to my blog, Wave Broadband and I have been in an epic struggle for world domination for almost two years. Okay, maybe not world domination, but definitely a struggle for the speed and reliability of internet I have paid for. Read my previous Wave blog here.

I’ve known for about a week that my internet was about to crap out. It has had a crappy signal, resets a thousand times a day, very slow speeds, and all signs pointed towards failure. Today it shuts down to reset and won’t come back online. So I unplug the power cord, remove the battery back up, and unplug the coax cable. I wait 5 minutes, plug it all back in and…..nothing. So I less calmly repeat the process and…nothing. Then I call Wave and have the company send me a signal refresh…nothing.

At this point I am getting mad. So I call Wave and I am put on hold. A little bit more mad. Then a customer service lady comes online and without letting me finish that I had already run all the tech support a customer can run she cuts me off with a transfer to the techs.

KABOOM!

I picked up the modem and proceeded to calmly drop it on the ground and watch it break into two pieces. I’m feeling less angry now. The tech asks me what is going on and I proceed to tell him that my modem wasn’t working and now it is completely broken and I need a service call right now. He tells me the schpeel about how he has to run through some tests with me and then he will get someone out. I repeat to him that the modem is completely broken and the conversation goes like this:

Him: How do you know it’s completely broken, ma’am? (With that really condescending voice that makes your blood boil and your head explode. Fucker.)

Me: It’s in two pieces.

Him: Why is it in two pieces?

Me: It seemed like a better idea than laying waste to the entire world.

Him: Oh boy, let me take a look at your notes and see what I can do. You’re probably going to have to pay for that modem.

Me: I’m not paying for anything, it was already a dud, I just saved you the disposal fee.

Him: Well, ma’am, you will have to pay since you intentionally broke it.

Me: Fine, I can send you a bill for all the minutes my service has been down and that should cover the cost. I mean, you can see on your screen how much time it hasn’t been functioning over the past two years, right? This is my third modem for crying out loud. And my psychiatric bill is going to cost you guys a fortune. This is psychological warfare you’re engaged in and I bet a jury of hippies in this state would rule on my side. I pay my bill, where the hell is the service???

Him: Well, I see a note here that all calls need to go to a manager so I’m going to transfer you to our senior tech advisor.

Me: I think that’d be wise. I would hate to have to eat your young. You don’t get paid enough money to deal with me.

Him: Yes, ma’am. (Said with all the relief a NORAD worker would use when turning over shift during a North Korean missile launch headed towards Alaska)

The senior tech advisor comes on after about two minutes and begins his job of calming the angry customer and even maybe getting them to laugh. It worked. He tells me immediately that he is sending out a guy with a new modem, he will be to my home within half an hour. He said I would NOT be charged for the modem and he appreciates me 1) Not eating his young and 2) Not laying waste to the entire world.

Then he makes a couple of jokes about how modems work so hard in my house they commit suicide by counter jump. Followed up by a little skit about what do you do when the modem isn’t working…take it to modem’s anonymous. I swear that guy is going to put jokes in my file just so I don’t kill when I need the next service call. He was fantastic and he gave me a credit for service!

All because I broke their modem on purpose.

That guy deserves a fucking medal!


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