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Today I broke our W Internet modem. On purpose.

Maybe we should start at the beginning. For those of you who are new to my blog, W Internet and I have been in an epic struggle for world domination for almost two years. Okay, maybe not world domination, but definitely a struggle for the speed and reliability of service I have paid for. Read my previous W Internet blog here.

I’ve known for about a week that my modem was about to die. It has a crappy signal, resets a thousand times a day, runs at very slow speeds – all signs pointed towards failure. Today it shut down to reset and wouldn’t come back online. I started doing what rational techies teach you to do in these situations. I unplugged the power cord, removed the battery back up, and unplugged the coax cable. I waited 5 minutes, then plugged it all back in and…..nothing. I calmly repeated the process and…nothing. I then called W Internet and have the company send me a signal refresh…nothing.

At this point I am getting impatient. I call W Internet back and I am put on hold. A little bit more impatient. A customer service lady comes online and without letting me finish my sentence – that I had already run all the tech support a customer can run – she cuts me off with a transfer to the techs.

KABOOM! My brain hits its limit of patience.

I picked up the modem and proceeded to calmly drop it on the ground and watch it break into two pieces. I’m feeling less angry now. The tech asks me what is going on and I proceed to tell him that my modem wasn’t working, it’s now completely broken, and I need a service call. He tells me the spiel about how he has to run through some tests with me and then he will get someone out. I repeat to him that the modem is completely broken and the conversation goes like this:

Him: How do you know it’s completely broken, ma’am? (With that really condescending voice that makes your blood boil and your head explode. Fucker.)

Me: It’s in two pieces.

Him: Why is it in two pieces?

Me: It seemed like a better idea than laying waste to the entire world.

Him: Oh boy, let me take a look at your notes and see what I can do. You’re probably going to have to pay for that modem.

Me: I’m not paying for anything, it was already a dud. I just saved you the disposal fee.

Him: Well, ma’am, you will have to pay since you intentionally broke it.

Me: Fine, I can send you a bill for all the minutes my service has been down and that should cover the cost. I mean, you can see on your screen how much time it hasn’t been functioning over the past two years, right? This is my third modem for crying out loud! And my psychiatric bill is going to cost you guys a fortune. This is psychological warfare you’re engaged in and I bet a jury of my peers in this state would rule on my side. I pay my bill, where the hell is the service???

Him: Well, I see a note here that all calls need to go to a manager so I’m going to transfer you to our senior tech advisor.

Me: I think that’d be wise. You don’t get paid enough money to deal with me and I would hate to have to eat your young.

Him: Yes, ma’am. (Said with all the relief a NORAD worker would use when turning over shift during a North Korean missile launch headed towards Alaska.)

The senior tech advisor comes on after about two minutes and begins his job of calming the angry customer and even maybe getting them to laugh. It worked. He tells me immediately that he is sending out a guy with a new modem, he will be to my home within half an hour. He said I would NOT be charged for the modem and he appreciates me not eating his young and laying waste to the entire world.

Then he makes a couple of jokes about how modems work so hard in my house they commit suicide by counter jump. Followed up by a little skit about what do you do when the modem isn’t working…take it to modem’s anonymous. I swear that guy is going to put jokes in my file just so I don’t kill when I need the next service call. He was fantastic and he gave me a credit for service!

All because I broke their modem on purpose.

That guy deserves a fucking medal!

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