New Year’s Resolutions. I love listening to people say they are going to lose weight, live healthier lives, show more kindness to their enemies….blah,blah,blah.
What a crock of shit. You know you won’t do any of that. And you’ll be grumpy and disappointed in yourself as a result of your numerous failings.
My resolutions are amazing and I always hit my mark. Well, at least after that one disastrous year when my resolution was to not swear for an entire year. The ball dropped and to celebrate it I yelled out “Fuck yeah, this year is the shit!” So, that year was a bust on resolutions, I made it exactly 30 seconds.
Last year I decided to use the word shank daily and get it incorporated into polite society. Mission complete. (And if you don’t think so, how did you manage to make it to the blog about shanking to read this post, hmmm?)
So for 2014 I had been considering adding another word into society. But alas, I failed at finding a special word that summed up….me, in a nutshell. So I decided to change my resolution before I became a big fat failure who needed therapy to overcome the emotional distress I placed upon myself.
I resolve to lose my patience less with the stupid people in the world. And by lose it less, I mean that I will blog about them instead of losing my shit in their face or on their social media.
I think the Wave Broadband workers are really going to appreciate this resolution. And AT&T. And drivers in WA state. And dumbass teenagers who think they are so cool. And the leasing office of housing. And some unnamed people who try to avert their eyes, WHILE DRIVING, because they know they will burst into flames if they make eye contact with me.
Wow, my resolution can practically achieve world peace.
You’re welcome world, you’re welcome.
I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet
Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much