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For years I’ve been enjoying the antics of Lola. When I got her as a wee baby in 2011, she was a sleepy-eyed, soft-snoring cuddle bug. Fast forward two months and I was quite sure that someone had switched my delightful bundle for a Mistress of Mayhem. Gone were the tranquil days of television watching, instead I was using all of my energies to play with the energetic pork chop I had adopted.

Everyone told me Lola would ‘lose her puppy’ around her first birthday.

Lola didn’t receive that memo. Instead, she became even more diabolical in her learning. She played hide and seek with ruthless efficiency, caught every ball we threw and came back for more, tugged ropes until my arms felt like jelly, and snorted her way through bedtime like a freight train derailing. I let her into my bed and this was the thanks I received!

Everyone told me Lola would ‘lose her puppy’ around her second birthday.

She did not slow down. After her final growth spurt made her a bit chubbier than she was comfortable with, Lola spent her days getting back to peak fitness. This required my full attention, because everyone knows a Mommybeast cannot look away from the fur baby for even one moment. I now had a full-time escort to the bathroom, just so Lola could be sure I didn’t fall in and flush myself on accident. Her energy was unflagging.

Everyone told me Lola would ‘lose her puppy’ around her third birthday.

Everyone told me Lola would ‘lose her puppy’ around her fourth birthday.

Everyone told me Lola would ‘lose her puppy’ around her fifth birthday.

Everyone told me Lola would ‘lose her puppy’ around her sixth birthday.

Everyone told me Lola would ‘lose her puppy’ around her seventh birthday.

It hasn’t happened yet and we’re nearing her eighth birthday! While Lola may take more frequent naps, she is plagued by a syndrome I have finally managed to name.

Chronic Sudden Onset Puppy Syndrome (CSOPS).

This syndrome is characterized by fits of energy when there seemed to be none a single moment beforehand. Waking from a zombie state, these dogs can shoot across the room to kill a ringing doorbell before you’ve managed to wipe the drool off your chin and pause the Netflix show. Dogs suffering from this syndrome are also frequent nappers, luring their human into a relaxed state that will not last long. Sufferers of CSOPS utilize every waking second trying to outwit the laws of the universe. They eat things they shouldn’t. They chase things they shouldn’t. They are convinced of their abilities to leap over a tall building with a single bound. Some of the sufferers even have delusions of an ability to fly, usually diagnosed by their human as they race to catch the furry body in mid-air.

Do not ever leave these dogs unattended near squirrels or water fountains.

In short, dogs suffering from Chronic Sudden Onset Puppy Syndrome are unable to survive without humans stepping in to prevent their most outrageous shenanigans. Just when you think you are about to cry from sheer exhaustion, the episode will end and your dog will once again revert to a napping state. You may notice leg twitches and excited yips as they relive their adventures in their dreams.

Author’s Note – I think it goes without saying that this syndrome is not real. Please do not flood your local veterinarian’s office with frantic calls about how to prevent your canine from developing this problem. If you do feel the need to verify, be sure to refer your veterinarian to this page so they can enjoy a giggle as they read about Lola and her completely fictional syndrome.


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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: