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I recently went to Subway for a delightful sandwich. For those unfamiliar with this establishment, they make custom sandwiches while you stand in front of them looking both perplexed and overjoyed at the sheer number of choices in front of you.

What exactly is a banana pepper, and why does it go on a sandwich?!

That’s a mystery that will never get solved. There is another mystery that has been solved, that of the bag variety. You see, Subway uses long plastic bags to hold your delicious sandwich. Plastic is no longer a socially acceptable container if other options are available. Luckily there are paper bags – very easy to use and even easier to recycle.

Not to mention the paper doesn’t stick to you in ways that baffle the laws of physics.

Imagine how excited I was to see that my local Subway shop had moved from plastic to paper. The environment was so happy I could practically hear the sea turtles thanking me as they swam by! I was happy to never have to peel the plastic off my hands as I fought it into the trash. The worker was happy because the paper version was so much easier to slide the sandwiches into. The universe was at one with itself.

Then it happened.

The customer in front of me was handed her paper bag. I’m not sure what broke inside of this woman’s mind, but it was an ugly sight to see. As the curses started coming out, it was everything I could do to hold my laughter in. Imagine loving a plastic bag so much that you feel the need to defend its honor in front of a room full of strangers who are stuck behind you just waiting for their turn to pay.

Please move along, my sandwich is calling out to my belly.

After another five minutes of berating the employees on all the ‘political bullshit’ over plastic, I was at my wit’s end. Obviously, the workers are trying to keep their jobs and can’t say anything outwardly rude to shut her up. They’ve tried to shuffle her along, but this bag aficionado wouldn’t budge.

I decided to be the hero all of the sandwich lovers needed.

I told her to write to her Congressman and get out of my way. I was slightly worried I might get slapped, you never know how people will react to a deadpan statement like that. Fortunately for my face, the lady seemed embarrassed no one was on her side and left quickly. Then came the highlight of my week – they gave me three free cookies as a thank you!

Do a good deed this week, you never know when someone will hand you a cookie as a reward.


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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: