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Lately I’ve started to notice that Lola may be staging a coup – taking out the Mommybeast who currently holds all of the power. It began with the little things, first the dropping of my Mommybeast tittle to the disparaging Human. Then refusing to go potty when directed, Lola would instead wait until her bladder was near to bursting and then force Human to race to the door to open it just in the nick of time. Heart beating wildly, Human was left breathless and confused.

Almost imperceptible at first, Lola’s smirk began to grow with each event.

The food revolution started next. No longer satisfied with her portion sizes, Lola would wait until Human REM sleep was in full effect before heaving her innards with wild abandon. Nothing wakes Human from sleep faster than the sound of a retching bulldog. Each time it happened, Human would race across a dark house to procure a slice of cheese – dairy is known to calm a canine belly in upheaval. Human would return to the bedroom in triumph, only to be met by a sarcastic Lola demanding to know what took so long.

Now sleep-deprived, Human was weak and ineffective at preventing catastrophe.

The final blow came when Lola took one of the few joys Human had left. Netflix.

Lola's Netflix

This will be what haunts Human until her dying day, something Lola planned on as a way to retain her power. It isn’t good enough to grab the power, if you can’t manage to hold onto it – a lesson Lola obviously learned from watching crime shows on Netflix.


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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: