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Late at night, things happen. Terrible, terrible things. Yet if you think about it hard enough, those terrible things may actually turn out to be something great. Let’s see where this late night adventure takes us.

A teal/green owl that says

The pizza rolls beckon you from the freezer. The doughy delights are so delicious, but they can unleash a pain upon you that is rivaled by nothing else on Earth. The molten lava core is lying in wait, the moment you take a bite your insides will be seared to a crisp.

I can’t get enough of them!

The other night I did an exhaustive field study of the anatomy of the pizza roll. What was once an entire pizza has somehow found itself wrapped into a bite size pouch of sauce, cheese, and meat. Heated up to a tongue numbing temperature, about 1 million degrees, you have only one method of eating them without losing your sense of taste for life.

Steady your hands before you begin.

First you must grab the pizza roll by a corner with only your finger nail, being careful to not let your skin touch the surface of what feels like a hot sun. Then, you must carefully bite into the opposite corner. Since the pizza roll is actually only 1 inch big, you must content yourself with a mere nibble.

Back away quickly, this is where it gets intense.

The steam vent that you have opened is hot enough to scorch your eyebrows off. Allow the pizza roll to cool, carefully puffing air into the open corner before attempting a second bite. This vent will allow you to tear the pizza roll into two with your caveman pointy teeth – just as our ancestors did. It is at this point that you may become emboldened to eat a pizza roll in a single bite.

Say farewell to your taste buds before doing so.

A cartoon version of me holding a plate of pizza rolls with the caption 'you may want to look away, things could get intense.'

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