I think by now it is no secret that I spend a lot of time at home, in my pajamas. Since I work from home, I think that dressing up is a waste because no one but Lola will see it. When I do laundry each week, it is a pile of soft cotton that stretches – nary a button in site.
It is this behavior pattern that has ruined my once regal bulldog.
Lola is no longer oblivious to my preparations for leaving the house. Just the mere whiff of denim jeans being pulled from a drawer will leave Lola pacing frantically. She smashes into my legs, hoping to break my hip so that I am forced to stay home with her forever. When that doesn’t work, she’ll repeatedly stop right in front of me, forcing me to trip over her so that she can let out a whimper of feigned pain. Leaving your bulldog in pain is a sin no Mommybeast would commit. Her final tactic to prevent me from ever leaving our house is brilliant – she blocks my access to the shoe cabinet. If I want a pair of shoes, I have to wrestle her into submission which leaves me sticky with slobber and covered in dog hair.
I can leave the house, but all will know I abandoned a baby bulldog to do so.
Now it is time to make some tough decisions. Do I stay at home forever, becoming a recluse who will eventually start hoarding empty toilet paper rolls for no reason? Do I bribe Lola with treats and toys to make it easier on myself to leave her behind? Do I abandon her each day, teaching her to survive on her own until my return? None of these seem like much fun so I went with a different idea.
Lola now has her very own dog stroller.
That’s right! If you’re going to embrace the hipster doofus inside of you, make it count! Not only does Lola have a stroller, but it has different canopies for me to choose from, depending on the weather of the day. There is a basket in the bottom which means I can now pack quinoa and other hipster doofus supplies – like essential oils for unexpected contact with people who use body wash that contain perfumes and artificial coloring. I’m planning to attach a fan to it so that Lola can be kept in comfort at all times.
Lola does indeed have a stroller, but not because I’ve finally succumbed to the hipster doofus lifestyle. We’re going on a road trip to the desert and the temperatures get so hot that Lola won’t be able to walk on the ground without severely burning her feet. The last trip we went on resulted in us having to carry Lola across concrete parking lots in order to put her feet on cool grass to do her business. Since hauling a bulldog in yours arms looks completely undignified, I figured the stroller would at least ensure no one hurt their back on this next trip.
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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: