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I’m sure you’ve all heard the theory that what can go wrong, will go wrong. Remodeling my new house has proven that theory correct, every single time I turn around. The kitchen would not fit right, the flooring was a pain in the ass, and the water flowing all over the floors was a sure sign that my end was near.

Or something else prophetic that my poor, addled brain couldn’t comprehend.

The final nail in my home remodeling coffin was when my organs, my internal organs, decided they needed a little remodeling of their own. Two days before we needed to move our house into the new one.

Thanks body. No additional help needed. But thanks.

I went to bed one night a few weeks ago and within two hours I was curled up in the fetal position and heaving my guts into a toilet. Thankfully, not the toilet at the new house that was broken.

By the fourth hour of this, Hubster was awake and inquiring if I “felt ok.” Okay?!?! NO, I DON’T FEEL OKAY!!!! But I couldn’t even tell him that, or scream it at him like I wanted to, because I was in such agony that all I could do was moan.

Moan for death to take me.

And then, finally, I made it to an emergency room where I was drugged to within an inch of my life. I hallucinated that Lola was with me and apparently I kept telling her to “go poop” and ordering her to come to me so I could squish her fat belly.

The surgeon found it particularly delightful that I kept petting imaginary Lola as they prepped me for surgery.

Now I’m an organ down. Without my appendix I’m a whole 3 ounces lighter. And my other organs have so much more room that they slosh within my body and make me feel funny. It’s like spring break in Cancun for my colon and my right kidney can finally take a deep breath.

P.S. We moved into the new home with no help from me whatsoever. I stayed drugged for three days, dreaming that dogs were taking over the world and who really cared if the plumbing at the new house functions. That’s what yards were created for.

P.P.S. Non-drugged me really hates drugged me. I have toilets not working and running to the neighbor every hour is just not an option.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much