There is one particular fear that every parent has. It rears its ugly head the moment their child switches from the toddler gibberish only a parent can understand, to full-blown sentences that the population can now interpret…and judge you for. Yep, that fear of the moment your kid drops a truth bomb about your parenting while in a public place.
You thought you’d get off scotch free for all those times you ate your child’s candy while he slept. But he remembered those times, and he plotted. When the perfect moment presented itself, he sought his revenge.
My friend was recently invited to her child’s school for a Parent Day. This may also be known as A Parent’s Worst Nightmare. It’s the day every parent wakes up and prays very hard that their child doesn’t tell people what happens at home. No one needs to know about mommy’s wine habit or daddy’s special words that are screamed at the television during a sporting event. My friend was feeling the stress. To compound that stress, she called me, an ex-daycare owner who likes to use the fear of parents for her own selfish amusement.
I’m aware I’m going to hell, but I’m enjoying the ride!
I’ve been telling my friend, who we’re calling Annie, to stop talking about her child when he’s in the room. Annie always defends it by saying Little Johnny doesn’t know the code she’s using and since he never hears his name, he can’t possibly think she’s talking about him.
First of all, Little Johnny isn’t a moron. Second, he’s the only kid in the house…who else would you be talking about?! Does your husband take the poop out of the toilet to perform experiments on?!
So Little Johhny takes his mom to school where he has to give a 4-year-old presentation of his family. The only way I could describe the carnage is with pictures and even that won’t do it justice. So I’m just going to give you the quote straight out of Little Johnny’s mouth.
“My mommy likes to talk on the phone a lot. She has nothing to say about herself because she’s boring, so she just tells everyone all the bad things I’ve done. My mommy shouldn’t do this because when she does bad things I’m going to start calling people on the phone.”
Yeah, you’re going to need to move now. And maybe change your name.
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