I often wonder when I will hit that moment of no return and become a hermit. Ever since retiring from the daycare world, I’ve been venturing out of the house less and less often. I used to drag the Hubster out each evening after he returned home from work, desperate for human interaction. He would complain that he wanted to relax and watch some television, but I am a social butterfly and would bend him to my will. Dinners, movies, shows, people! The world was my oyster.
After a few months of this, I would only drag Hubster out on the weekends – forcing him to participate in the most mundane of adult household activities. We would wander the home improvement store while I tried to convince Hubster that knocking an entire wall down was easy, and I could do it with this one tool! Luckily, he always managed to distract me with a shiny object as he shuffled me through the exit.
Then I only left the house for the dreaded grocery shopping. You know, that time suck of two hours where all you do is spend $400 on cookies. Then you sit around for the next two weeks and wonder why you are hungry and just where did all your money go?! Then I found the grocery delivery service and I’ve stopped even doing that. Now I just order them online and a faceless person loads them into the trunk of the car while I sit in comfort listening to the radio. I think we exchanged 6 words on my last trip and they were weather related. FYI, it was raining – I know, shocker. (For those of you unfamiliar, it rains here over 300 days each year. It wasn’t a shocker.)
The monthly journey to Target eventually became the only time I left the house. I never dragged the Hubster with me, Target is a sacred place where I must be unfettered of people rushing me to leave. I need to inhale the smells, exhale my life’s stresses, and purchase ridiculous amounts of stationary because they have whales, and anchors, and flamingos, and bulldogs! The list continues on until I pass out from exhaustion in the back of the store…right where they display the furniture. They knew you’d need a nap from pushing that 600 pound cart you can no longer see over!
Now, Hubster complains that he never gets to go out any more. It is becoming such a problem that he’s resorted to bribing my friends to drag me out in my pajamas if they have to. Just this weekend Hubster was telling my friend that I must be walked weekly, and returned home well-fed, or he’s not sure what will happen. There were some manly mutterings about my growing into the couch, perhaps eventually just being forgotten by all the humans.
So, when exactly should I worry? I still shower everyday. I play with Lola all day long. We even journey around the backyard just to see if any other creatures are trying to make it their own territory. I venture out in the dark of the night and bring home my delicious Taco Bell cheese, exchanging more than a few words with the workers. In fact, I spend so much time with them that they’ve taken to testing out comedy bits on me when I pull up. Once, they all took turns using accents through the microphone to see if I could identify who was who. And I did! So what else do the humans have on the outside that I must participate in?!
I’d like to add this closing thought – if people forget about me, what’s the likelihood they’ll remember me when they become zombies and are looking for a food source?! Exactly!
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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: