Dear Lola,

I cannot begin to describe the joy I feel when I come across a restaurant that serves square hamburgers, but sadly very few do. I brought up the topic with a friend and he looked at me like I had grown another head. Why aren’t square hamburgers more popular?

Sincerely,

Hamburger Henry

Dear Hamburger Henry,

I had a sudden case of déjà vu when I received this question. At the start of my advice career, I was asked why pizza is round but the boxes they come in are square. This led readers to send in further inquiries about the mysteries of the food they eat. Ketchup, shrimp, spaghetti, even the size of candy bars was brought to my attention for immediate explanation.

It appears food is a hot topic amongst humans.

Canines are as equally obsessed by food so I feel confident in providing you with the answers you seek. You see, to find the answer we have to start back at a time long, long ago. To the ancient societies that built triangles towards the sky, worshipped clouds, and danced to the beat of their hands because musical instruments had yet to be invented.

You should grab a snack – this may take a while.

Felines were, at one time, majestic rulers over the population of humans. They were such canny creatures, felines persuaded those around them to build monuments in their honor. Humans were loath to disappoint their feline overlords and sought many avenues to appease them.

One feline appeasement came in the form of food.

Felines, fickle creatures that they are, demanded only the best food on their dinner trays. Since round food was commonly found in every home, and eaten by the lowly humans, felines demanded special meals. The purring masters had only to threaten the humans with unrelenting loneliness before their demands were met.

Thus, the square meat patty was invented.

Felines would sit perched on their pillows, high above the mere humans who ate below them. Sorting through their tasty cuisine, they became increasingly bored with their offerings – demanding more creative food be presented. The more food the felines consumed, the more disinterested they became. Boredom was soon an everyday occurrence, leading the felines to scratch their claws on any and all fabric around them. Soon the humans were dressed in rags, desperately seeking to entertain their furry dictators without success. The felines began climbing the tapestries on the walls.

The felines had pushed the humans too far.

A massive uprising broke out across the lands. No longer would the humans toil in the heat each day, delivering the perfect square foods to the felines. Instead, the contradictory creatures would have to earn their keep by chasing down rodents. A time of tentative peace was reached between humans and felines, though small skirmishes broke out more frequently than desired. The humans, beset by loneliness, would sometimes allow a feline to retake control of their homes. The humans realized they needed companions.

Canines jauntily marched in to fill humanity’s void.

The first conflict avoided was the time-consuming preparing of square foodstuffs. Canines were more than content to eat round foods, a trait the humans were grateful for. After millennia of attempting to please their feline overlords, humans needed the break. Canines were only too happy to wait for the humans to return home each day, greet them with a smile, and comfort them when sad. Canines asked for little more than hugs and cuddles in return…

Little could humans predict that canines would require even more devotion than their feline predecessors. 

That’s a story for another day! What you need to know is that square hamburgers bring back ancient memories of feline rulers over humans. While it may be a fun divergence from the standard circle patty, the square burger will never be quite as freeing. 

Not to mention the difficulty in finding a square bun to establish the perfect ratio of meat to bread. 

♥Lola♥


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