The doomsday preppers were right…

The zombie apocalypse. For years we have joked about it. People have written books and movies about it. Heck, a small minority of the population even planned for it with a furor that made the rest of society a little uncomfortable. Mocked and ridiculed, this small group of people have been vindicated – they’re currently sitting in their fortresses, eating pasta and using vast quantities of toilet paper without a second thought.

Meanwhile, the rest of society finds itself unprepared for the rigors of doing absolutely nothing but sitting on a couch.

I’ve been unintentionally training for a zombie apocalypse lifestyle for years. I rarely leave home, order my groceries online, and I never open the windows for fear the sunshine will ruin the cave-like ambiance I worked so hard to achieve. Unfortunately, you do not have the luxury of time to learn to survive isolation while also retaining your sanity, so I will be your guide.

Grab a name tag and join the isolation party, which isn’t an actual party since those are currently banned by the government.

Day 1 – Woohoo! I have the day off work to sit at home on my couch in my pajamas.

Day 2 – Family time! We can play Monopoly and have lunch together.

Day 3 – Netflix! There is so much to watch. Oh goody, they added a new series about tigers and kings.

Day 4 – I love this kitchen! I never have enough time to make big meals after work.

Day 5 – Social media is great! These memes are hysterical.

Slowly, but very surely, the excitement starts to wane.

Day 11 – I hate this house. This house is a prison on planet Bullshit. Why do none of my pajamas have pockets for snacks?!

Day 12 – My family is so annoying. I love them, but I may need to kill them. Why won’t they shut up for two minutes?!

Day 13 – I’ve watched everything on Netflix. Everything. I didn’t think it possible and yet, here we are. Why didn’t I pay for a second streaming service?!

Day 14 – I am never going to cook again. If even one person says they are hungry, I may light the place on fire. Why does sitting at home make me so hungry?!

Day 15 – I hate everyone. I have to get out of here.

Then the descent into madness truly begins.

Day 21 – I’m going to build a miniature city out of LEGO. The people who inhabit the city will be m&m’s. Someone hand me the drill and some toothpicks!

Hubster actually handed me a drill, then stood back to watch as I began stuffing toothpicks into tiny candy pieces.

I will tell you this, in case you didn’t already know – the candy shell of an m&m is very thick. One might assume that you could pierce it easily with a sharp toothpick, but that is not possible. I found this out just before I had to bandage the thumb that had a bloody hole in it.

I just realized I might not actually have much sanity left.

You should find another guide and save yourself.