It is 2:30am and I am lying awake in bed. Hubster is softly snuffling next to me, in tandem with Lola’s adorable snorts. It seems the entire world has fallen asleep, yet I am wide awake. My brain is churning out thought after thought – most of them humorous observations, with a few thoughts of food in between. I turn to the trusty sheep counting technique from my childhood and begin my list.
A list of annoying people who make society a less pleasant place to live.
Counting sheep has never worked – but imagining the idiots of the world never fails to exhaust me.
The human who leaves their shopping cart in the parking spot.
You deserve to be throat punched by the little old lady who inevitably ends up having to get out of her car to move the cart that you abandoned in the spot. I hate returning carts, one of the very reasons that my groceries are delivered to my home! I recommend you do the same because one day that little old lady is going to have a purse full of loose change.
The human who uses their phone in the movie theater.
You spent a huge sum of money to watch a movie in the theater. Instead of watching the actual movie, you’re posting to Facebook, or Instagram, or sending out tweets about the plot line and ruining it for everyone else. You deserve several throat punches! Oh, and in case you didn’t know this – you aren’t that witty and your friends can wait two hours to hear about your breakfast omelette.
The human who drives in the fast lane but never passes anyone.
Are you trying to enrage everyone or are you just that oblivious?! There are people behind you screaming in frustration and gripping their steering wheel until their knuckles ache. There are not enough mental throat punches in the world to make following behind you any easier. As a popular rapper once sang, ‘move bitch, get out the way!’
The human who doesn’t use punctuation.
You write an entire paragraph, interspersing questions among statements, and then wonder why people don’t respond in a timely manner. I’m sorry, we’re busy trying to figure out what you meant as we mentally add and subtract periods and question marks until the message makes some semblance of sense! The only response you deserve is a GIF of a throat punch.
This list of atrocious people could continue on indefinitely, but I’m sleepy now and would like to move on to dreams filled with dancing snack foods.
As we live in a litigious society, I feel obligated to state that I am not condoning the throat punching of any humans – even if the person has broken the human code of conduct the rest of society has come to accept as the norm.