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This evening I was on a mission to clean the house and tackle the mountain of laundry that piled up while I was innocently staring at Netflix for the past month. I went out to my garage, which doubles as my laundry room, and I was greeted by a huge spider. I feel I should mention my garage is a finished room, so obviously it is mine and mine alone.

Spiders are asked to leave promptly.

There I was, innocently asking the spider to leave by raising my foot and slamming it down on the little fellow’s head, when Clark (the newly named spider) decided to protest as politely as he knew how.

He jumped on my foot and glared at me.

I don’t think you will be surprised to learn that I freaked out. I freaked out as hard as I’ve ever freaked out in my entire life. I screamed. I jumped. I threw myself around the room and knocked everything off the table.

Everything being the newly cleaned laundry which now wasn’t so clean.

Of course, Lola had to leap to my defense. Launching herself into the garage, Lola summoned her courage to get under my feet. She couldn’t tell what was trying to kill her dear Mommybeast, but she knew she needed to act quickly.

Then Lola saw Clark stalking towards her with hatred in his eyes.

I don’t think you will be surprised to learn that Lola freaked out. Lola freaked out as hard as Lola has ever freaked out in her entire life. She barked. She jumped. She threw herself around the room and fell into the now not-so-clean laundry pile on the floor.

Then I came to a startling realization. Clark was nowhere in sight. It was time to run for our lives and running is not my strong suit. Lola is only slightly more capable of staying upright as she runs, thanks to her two extra feet for balance.

This escape did not go as planned for either of us.

I am now limping after falling down and stubbing my foot, while also jamming a shoulder into the washing machine. That takes skill. Lola is limping after tripping on the step up into the house and smacking her poor little face into the doorway. We are now applying ice to ourselves on the couch and have both taken a species appropriate medicine for aches and pains.

Clark is still out there, just waiting for us to close our eyes.

Hubster chose the wrong week to leave Lola and I alone. Now he’ll be returning to a burned out shell of what used to be our home. I would leave Hubster a note with directions on where to find us, but I can’t risk Clark finding me again.


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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: