The cost of coconut water is outrageous…

I recently decided to spend my day watching the Jurassic Park trilogy. While I love Jurassic World and its sequel, sometimes it’s nice to return to the classics from my childhood. It’s a reminder of simpler times when movie people knew that creating dinosaurs was a possibility, but quickly learned that mayhem would follow – a fact that the movie people 20 years in the future would dismiss.

This was followed by running for their lives while screaming.

Thankfully, I’ve put together a list of survival tactics that you can use if you ever find yourself on a remote island. Perhaps the very first survival tip should be to skip the visit to the remote island. However, the human race has an inexplicable need to enjoy an untainted island paradise so I bet most people will just brush right past that warning.

Coconut water is not worth the dinosaur carnage that will follow.

Wow. Even after all that, you’re still willing to go. Fine. Go stare at a dinosaur – just be sure to check that your life insurance policy is current and that there is no clause about being eaten by a dinosaur. Imagine how sad your spouse will be to find out that not only are you dumb enough to try to ride a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but you also left them destitute. Then follow these tips, which should give you a least a smidgen of a chance for survival.

Don’t move a single muscle when dinosaurs come near you.

Not a single muscle! This works in 98% of the human-eating dinosaur interactions, with one notable exception. In Jurassic Park 2, they forgot to tell the T-Rex that he couldn’t see the movie people in the camper when they stayed still. Apparently, those parent T-Rex could see non-moving humans because said humans had their baby. This technique is also useless against the velociraptors, which should make you rethink your whole ‘go to the dinosaur island for vacation’ idea.

Never, ever close your eyes. Sleep is for the dead, which you will be if you close your eyes.

There are dinosaurs all over. Why are you sleeping?! If I didn’t question your intelligence before, this moment has made me do it. Seriously, glue your eyes open if you need to – nothing good comes from a nap in a dinosaur park.

Never trick anyone into coming on a dinosaur safari with you.

It’s just rude. Poor movie guy from Jurassic Park was already traumatized enough, then he was tricked into a casual stroll through Jurassic Park 3 – and there were no fences this time! At least the movie guy who went back in Jurassic Park 2 went in with his eyes open.

Speaking of fences, here’s tip to survive number four.

Never think the dinosaur can’t get you.

I’d think this would be secondary nature – but I’ve been proven wrong in all three movies. Jurassic Park had a guy get eaten while sitting on a toilet. Jurassic Park 2 had a guy get eaten while hiding in a waterfall. Admit it, that’s a terrific hiding place and he still died! Jurassic Park 3 had more than one poor bastard eaten while trying to find a lost little kid.

Pack snacks.

On your person, not in a sack. When you start running from big dinosaurs, two things will happen – you’ll have to drop your bag to run quicker, and your belly will get hungry from all that running. Your belly grumbles will eventually draw the dinosaurs to your hiding place and you’ll be too fatigued from a lack of food to outrun them a second time. Use your pockets!

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