Dear Lola,

I have a friend, Susan, who has been a large part of my life since my teenage years. We went to high school and college together, and have landed in the same city as adults. I met my husband while in college and we’ve been married for over 10 years. My husband has disliked Susan since the two met. He finds her annoying and has always been vocal with me about not wanting to be around her. When I ask him specifically what she does that annoys him, he is vague and lists her characteristics – too loud, tells odd jokes, likes weird movies, wears embarrassing clothing. Basically anything and everything about her seems to bother him. (I would like to note that she is loud, tells jokes I love, watches badly scripted movies that never go to theaters, and dresses like it is still the 90s. All why I love her so much!)

Hubby has now started asking me to avoid having her over to our house because it’s also his house and he doesn’t want to be forced to interact with someone he doesn’t care for. 

Lola, this is ridiculous! We don’t have the money to meet outside of the house so we take turns on whose house we meet at for our weekly get together. Susan and I love to watch television shows and movies – at no point would I find it rude if my husband stayed in another part of the house. Hubby says that it’s also his house and he shouldn’t have to restrict himself. He says our college years are well behind us and we shouldn’t hang out more than once or twice a month. 

Sincerely,
Weary Wife Will Choose Friend Over Spouse

Advice for humans. They need all the help they can get.

Dear Weary Wife,

Wowser! You certainly did lay a conundrum right on my doorstep. I shall need some cheese to process all the emotions I can feel through your letter. First, I’d like to point out the most ironic fact of your letter. Hubby wants you to restrict hanging out to once or twice a month, likely to limit his time with Susan. Yet you’ve said that you rotate houses and see each other weekly.

Hubby is already getting exactly what he requested.

Name calling is not very nice, so I’m going to refrain from stating what just went through my mind – but Hubby is not coming off as very brilliant thus far. Plus, he sounds more than a little antisocial. Someone who has a friend group can certainly understand wanting to get together once a week or so. Not only do friends give your partner a break from hearing the minutia of every moment of your day, they allow you to bond with people who you will one day need for emotional support.

Like when Hubby dies in a freak accident at the ripe age of today, after voicing yet another complaint about Susan.

I do happen to have a few solutions to this very problem, since my Mommybeast is so much more social than my Daddybeast (who positively withers when the ladies descend for movie night at our house). I’m also proud to say that Daddybeast figured out how to entertain himself without anyone having to give him instructions. Like a big boy. Imagine that. Since your Hubby seems a bit slow when it comes to problem solving, I’ve gone ahead and italicized some additional instructions for each solution that he should refer to if he feels lost for ideas.

  • Send Hubby to another room where there is a television (watch the TV)
  • Send Hubby to another room where there is a tablet (play the tablet)
  • Send Hubby to another room where there is a LEGO set (build with LEGO)
  • Send Hubby to another room where there is a blank wall (stare at wall)

Note that all of these solutions require Hubby to go away.

It’s as simple as that! If Hubby does not want to be around Susan, then he can just go away like the big boy he is. Actually, he’s not really a big boy yet since he’s throwing a tantrum over saying hello to Susan one night every other week, but he should pretend to be a big boy until he magically turns into one. Remember that 80s movie Big starring Tom Hanks?

Maybe you can find that machine and get the big boy card for Hubby.

Before I leave you to resume your weekly friend routine, I would like to address one of the last things you wrote about this situation – which I used for your sign off name. I think it is admirable that you are so dedicated to your friendship with Susan. Not many people find someone so dear to them and manage to hold on through the scorn of a spouse. I want to reassure you that if you’ve not left any major points out of Hubby’s argument against Susan, than he is being utterly unreasonable. Seek marriage counseling before you get too far down the road of disrepair. Maybe hearing it from a third-party will wake Hubby up to his ridiculous request that you dump this friendship to the frequency with which I see my garbage man.

♥Lola♥

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29 replies on “Dear Lola – Weary wife will choose friend over spouse…”

  1. Sad but true. I have lived this with my first wife as her friends thought I was pretty of a bum and too serious. Two decades later, I look at their lives and mine. Mine is a little bit better, at least I have retirement and medical in my job. Sometimes spouses look at their friends and take their advice too much because they are looking as the grass is greener. I always say that the grass is greener wherever I stand. #AnythingGoes

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  2. Wow! Yeah, I have definitely been there with my ex-husband. He’s not a social butterfly. Though I am not either he really only had a problem with one friend who wasn’t really a friend so maybe that doesn’t count. But at the time I argued with him. No one tells me who I can or can’t be friends with, not even a spouse. This hubby does sound a bit too serious for my taste. Great advice Lola. I hope she takes you up on it and doesn’t lose her friendship. #AnythingGoes

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    1. I find it distressing that he doesn’t actually have a reason for her not being friends. It would be a different story if the husband reported to her that the friend takes advantage of her or talks poorly about her to other people, but clothing and taste in movies?! That is not a reason for him to object to his wife being friends. I really hope she does choose her friend over her husband if he continues to be this controlling.

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      1. Yeah with my ex he did have a very good reason at least. The friend he didn’t want me around was very manipulative. It took me a bit to see it but I can be very stubborn about certain things. Like choosing my friends. Without a good reason this woman’s husband is just being an ass.

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  4. Lola, as always, you tell it like it is. Hubby sounds controlling and overbearing. I would tell Weary Wife to watch out for him as she is running away from him as fast as possible.

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    1. It always concerns me when a partner tries to control friendships. It’s one thing if there is a legitimate concern about that friend’s actions, but to not like their movie and clothing choices is just bizarre. Part of me actually wonders if the spouse is attracted to the friend and trying to resist temptation. There just seems to be no other reason why he would not be able to find his own activity for one evening each week.

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    1. Oh my gosh! I thought the same exact thing and actually just replied to another commentor about this. I wonder if he is secretly attracted to her and trying to avoid it. The smart thing to do in this scenario would be to grow up and realize that being attracted to someone doesn’t mean you have to act on it and it also doesn’t mean you have to destroy your wife’s friendship. It means that you respectfully keep your distance because that is what adulthood is about!

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  13. I’ve had a few friends over the years who my husband has only tolerated, but that’s because he loves me and would never deny me a friendship no matter how much the person gets on his nerves, it’s a two way thing though. he has friends that I also only tolerate #globalblogging

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