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Dear Lola,

Sometimes I wonder what ocean creatures would say if they could talk. Thanks to the recent resurgence of popularity for Aquaman, my favorite superhero, I think about this much more often than I did before. Turtles seem like they have a lot of things to say, if only we could understand them. Imagine getting advice from a 100-year-old turtle who has traveled the world. Lola, even you would turn to them for help when the humans get rowdy! What do you think the ocean creatures would say if they could speak to us?

Sincerely,
Talking with Turtles 

Advice for humans. They need all the help they can get.

Dear Talking with Turtles,

Think of what the manta ray would say. Imagine the snark that would come from a shark. I bet that whale has quite a tale. Ok, I got the puns out of the way so I could focus on this very important question with my usual level of sincerity and thoughtfulness. Wait, I have just one more.

I know what the otter would utter, he would tell us to clean up our clutter.

Ok, I’ve definitely got all the puns out of my system! Now let’s turn to the task at hand, because I’ve got many thoughts on what sea creatures would say if they could talk. Pollution would be a given – they’d ask humans to remove the debris from their home immediately. I assume they would have a lot of questions for your species, considering they’ve watched you do ridiculous things in their home for the past several millennia.

Surfing. Riding the water… to nowhere?!

Imagine how bizarre humans must look to the ocean animals down below. Paddling out to sea on a piece of foam, bobbing along as you wait for a wave, then riding that wave in while standing up. Half of the time the human falls over and gets tumbled around, but then they do it all over again. It’s madness, but I guess most leisure activities look that way.

Whale watching. Spying on innocent whales while they’re pooping?!

Humans, this one is going to be awkward for you to answer. Watching innocent whales why they’re trying to live their lives in peace and quiet. Sheesh! You may think that canines watching their humans poop is the same thing, but we’re trying to protect you and you don’t seem to appreciate all the attention. Then you turn around and do the same thing to the whales and expect them not to complain. Hmph.

Shark cages. Have you lost your minds?!

Sharks are one of the ocean’s savviest predators – evidenced by the fact that they existed during the time of the dinosaurs. Instead of having a healthy dose of respect for these magnificent beasts, humans put themselves into a metal cage, lower it into the ocean, and then hang some raw meat off it in the hopes of attracting a collection of teeth and muscle.

Humans think whales are singing, but that’s actually laughter at your antics.

I bet the next time you jump in the ocean, you’ll think about how silly you look to all those fish swimming below. Oh, and you should wear some of those baby arm floaties – I bet the crabs would really get a kick out of that!

โ™ฅLolaโ™ฅ

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