As the holidays draw near, people start traveling to visit their family. Or they visit a nice hotel and take long naps while their families are a thousand miles away – arguing over who served the dry roast beef with rubbery carrots.

I’m not here to judge your decisions.

In fact, I want to empower you to drive far, far away in any direction you like as long as the destination is somewhere you want to be. Screw society, be selfish this holiday season and get those bikini tan lines in the Caribbean while the nanny feeds the kids boxed macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.

Just make sure you arrive to your destination safely.

Road Trip Tip #1

If you decide to disregard my tip, see #4.

Road Trip Tip #2

In the event you get pulled over, the dog’s smile may get you out of a ticket.

Road Trip Tip #3

Those guys startle easily and then they stab you with their head swords and you bleed out on the side of a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.

Road Trip Tip #4

You ate the sushi from the gas station didn’t you?!
Your belly may have thanked you – your butt will not.

Road Trip Tip #5

Go watch any serial killer show on Netflix. Hitchhikers every time.

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37 replies on “Death in the middle of nowhere…”

  1. Pingback: The cactus that could walk… | Shank You Very Much

  6. Your “Just say NO to gas station sushi” graphic reminded me of a time when we were traveling in Chile. we were out in the middle of nowhere, when we stopped at a gas station. There was one empanada in a display case, unrefrigerated, that looked, um, wilted. My son bought it and ate it, much to the concern of my hubby, me and my DIL. Luckily, he was fine. No ill effects. He has a cast iron stomach.

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  8. Great tips – toilet roll is ALWAYS a must! As for gas station food, it always looks weird. My husband bought me a tuna sandwich from one earlier this year and what was inside it was such a weird slippery texture I only tried one bite before noping out. #DreamTeam

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  15. *Snorts with laughter- that’s hilarious Heather. Don’t eat sushi from a gas station 😂 I think this is VERY true. Who knows how many times the little parcels have been in and out of those dubious looking fridges. I usually say no sushi, no fish, no egg when we are out and about and don’t know the food place. Thanks for being a brilliant #dreamteam host xx

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  16. Lots of animals with “head swords” here Lola, you may want to give us a wide birth and travel int he back seat past us. Though they are behind a fence so you could find your inner confidence and strut your stuff around! #DreamTeam

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  18. sword heads lol, love it! Think I am with you on the sushi and I have never picked up a hitchhiker although I did hitchhike when I was 17, luckily it ended well (well for me, I cut him into pieces and cooked him several nights for dinner lol) kidding, it ended well and safely for both of us! #DreamTeam

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  19. I absolutely love the thought of heading off on a road trip for the holiday season. Even the idea of having diarrhoea and possibly being attacked by wild animals still sounds better than having to spend time with my family….Excellent tips though. I might have to resort to closing the curtains and sticking a sign on the front door say ‘WE HAVE MOVED’. I’m not sure if it will work though! #dreamteam

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