Late at night, things happen. Terrible, terrible things. Yet if you think about it hard enough, those terrible things may actually turn out to be something great. Let’s see where this late night adventure takes us.

A teal/green owl that says

The pizza rolls beckon you from the freezer. The doughy delights are so delicious, but they can unleash a pain upon you that is rivaled by nothing else on Earth. The molten lava core is lying in wait, the moment you take a bite your insides will be seared to a crisp.

I can’t get enough of them!

The other night I did an exhaustive field study of the anatomy of the pizza roll. What was once an entire pizza has somehow found itself wrapped into a bite size pouch of sauce, cheese, and meat. Heated up to a tongue numbing temperature, about 1 million degrees, you have only one method of eating them without losing your sense of taste for life.

Steady your hands before you begin.

First you must grab the pizza roll by a corner with only your finger nail, being careful to not let your skin touch the surface of what feels like a hot sun. Then, you must carefully bite into the opposite corner. Since the pizza roll is actually only 1 inch big, you must content yourself with a mere nibble.

Back away quickly, this is where it gets intense.

The steam vent that you have opened is hot enough to scorch your eyebrows off. Allow the pizza roll to cool, carefully puffing air into the open corner before attempting a second bite. This vent will allow you to tear the pizza roll into two with your caveman pointy teeth – just as our ancestors did. It is at this point that you may become emboldened to eat a pizza roll in a single bite.

Say farewell to your taste buds before doing so.

A cartoon version of me holding a plate of pizza rolls with the caption 'you may want to look away, things could get intense.'

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49 replies on “It beckons me late at night…”

  1. Now I want pizza rolls! Hah, this post was great, it made me giggle. Everything is so true! I bite a little end off to let them vent, on each one. Then I go back around and devour them.

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  15. Too funny, Heather! I’ve never even tasted a pizza roll. You see, a friend’s child would eat almost nothing BUT pizza rolls, and his general lack of taste in food made me feel that pizza rolls must not be very good–but, hey, maybe he was onto something! #DreamTeam

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  17. I must be living under a stone or maybe just in the wrong country because I’ve never had a pizza roll. I don’t know if they sell them in Ireland but all of a sudden my belly is rumbling and I have an overwhelming desire to burn the roof of my mouth off with delicious pizza goodness! I don’t care what shape or size it comes in – you can’t beat pizza! Day or night! #dreamteam

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  20. I’ve made it to 38 years without a) ever hearing of a pizza roll and b) ever having tasted one!!
    After receiving your appropriate H&S training and completing a risk assessment I feel ready to try one without it being incompatible with life. Now then, have you ever had a cheese and baked bean toastie, made in a Breville sandwich maker offa the 80’s? #DreamTeam

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