Every summer, like clockwork, I hear my friends complain about the lack of things to do with their children once they are out of school. Throughout the school year parents are frantically keeping the homework moving, school lunches packed, kids in uniform, and sport schedules straight. Yet each summer those same parents regret all those complaints as they are faced with endless days and whining children.
Instead of plotting the demise of your eldest, enjoy those fleeting moments of summer happiness. Keeping busy will prevent that inevitable countdown of days until your youngest is mandated by law to return to school, thus freeing you from the restrictions of not being able to openly swear when you stub your toe while vacuuming.
THE PARENT’S ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SUMMER VACATION
- Find a crowded area, preferably one that frowns upon children, and use your stroller as a battering ram while yelling “we’ve got poop!” at the top of your lungs.
- Visit your nearest beach while wearing clothing from head to toe. Offer other parents your unsolicited advice about the harmful effects of the sun on their children’s skin.
- Stop into businesses and apply for new jobs with your children in tow. When asked what your current occupation is, state that you are a Miniature Human Production Line.
- Throw glitter at your children. Chart how long it takes for them to clean it up. (This is intended as a multi-year experiment. Yes, your kids will hate you, but at least you had fun!)
- While at the park, drink milk out of a brown paper bag – like a boss.
- Play your favorite song on repeat until your children beg you to turn it off forever. Then turn the volume up and dance.
- Buy stock in a sunscreen lotion company. Shame parents on social media for not using up a bottle each week on their precious children. Count all the money from your investment.
- Allow kids to start a new show, but make them watch the series finale first.
- Go to the park and share a sophisticated platter of crackers and cheese with a stranger. When they offer to repay you with a kindness, ask them to babysit while you have a nap.
- Sprinkle cereal on the living room floor. Drink wine while the kids are occupied.
Summer vacation may seem endless, but torturing your children will make it go by in a snap!
*This list is not intended as actual advice or activities that you should partake in. If you do partake in these activities, prepare for the inevitable visit from child services and/or other organizations in your community that check on the welfare of small humans. You may also require bail money and I am not going to provide it for you. Any harm that befalls you from listening to an internet non-expert is your own fault and you alone shall pay that price. Good luck and I’ll see you when the summer is over.
Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns
I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet
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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much
This is genius and my mummy would love to throw glitter at me constantly! #AnythingGoes x
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I may have to try the stroller idea. Nothing strikes fear like poop! #anythinggoes
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This is hilarious! I knew you’d come up with something like this as a way to entertain us parents for the summer lol #anythinggoes
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The kids don’t get to have all the fun!!!!
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That’s right! We parents deserve some fun too lol! Coming back again from #GlobalBlogging
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Have a blast this summer 😈 by tormenting the children!
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Love the child services warning! hehehe #Dreamteam
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I thought it was pertinent information! 😆
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LOL! Love it especially the miniature human production line. Lol #dreamteam
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You have to make it sound official, they’ll pay you more! 🤣
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If only I could have read this blog when my own children were little. I may try some of your advice with my grandchildren now that they are on summer vacation. I especially love glitter!
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Grandchildren will also work for all of these activities!
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Brilliant … only you, Heather, only you could have come up with this. I think there’s a movie in it! #DreamTeam
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I’m not sure anybody would let their children star in this movie! But I want Katy Mixon to play me!
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Dont know Katy Mixon but she must be good (Google here we come)
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hahaha I love all these and really want to drink milk covered in a brown paper bag that would be so funny #dreamteam
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I did it once when I had my daycare babies, people just stared in open-mouthed shock! It was hysterical!
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Stopping by again from #dreamteam…still makes me laugh!
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Thank you!
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hahaha, great tips! Not sure how it will go down with my parents, but I’m willing to try just for the laughs! Something to note down for the future. #DreamTeam
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It is definitely great for laughs!
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Hopefully that glitter isn’t made of plastic though! 🙂
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I think edible glitter that you use in baking would probably be the wisest choice.
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There is always cereal on our living room floor!!! #dreamteam
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Snacks always available!
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Always guarantee a giggle – thank you. Also as a home educator those who bleat about having to entertain their own children make me smile. They should try doing it year round #DreamTeam
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I know! When I ran my daycare I used to take my vacation time and parents would stress out about how they would entertain their children for a week at a time. Ummm, crayons and snacks?!
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Definitely all over 1, 3 and 5 😂…
#dreamteam
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Great plan! Your summer will be fantastic.
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I need to bookmark this to keep me sane this summer holidays fab read thanks for hosting #dreamteam
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This blog has literally made my day! So so so funny, oh my goodness. This I am totally going to do : While at the park, drink milk out of a brown paper bag – like a boss.
Shevy
http://moonsomnia.com
#DreamTeam
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The moms and the park will just stare while you laugh!
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Some amazing ideas here. I shall try each and every one of them, and see if I still have any kids left come September. Thank you, thank you, thank you! #dreamteam
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Another fab post! Amazing ideas #DreamTeam
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“Miniature Human Production Line.” I need to use this line more often!! I guess glitter is the new 52 card pick up – never a dull moment winding my nieces and nephews with that one! #dreamteam
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52 card pickup, I only fell for it once!
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Brilliant ideas! I especially like the cereal throwing and drinking wine! My one and a half year old would be all over it!
#dreamteam
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You’d both be happy!!
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These are all great. Trading food for a nap at the park is nothing short of pure genius #dramteam
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How else will a parent ever catch up on their sleep?!
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Love this the fear of possible pooh and love the glitter idea #bloggerclubuk
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I think the glitter one is what my kids are doing to me every time we do crafts. I should have know the crafty little buggers were just messing with me 😉
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They are messing with you – it’s payback time!
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I was so incensed about the thought of the children teasing me by throwing glitter I forgot to #DreamTeam
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Brilliant. I’m sure we could continue this excellent advise list 🤣 #dreamteam
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Hehe! Can you imagine.
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Opps! I hit return after getting side tracked at the thought of running through the crowds *as they part to make way for me… yelling… we have poopy pants over here, excuuuuusseeeee me!! Obviously it would never work now. But you know, I can always dream. Thanks for bringing all the belly laughs to the #DreamTeam Heather xx
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Since you’re out of the stroller days, you’ll definitely have to go with the glitter activity!
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Throw glitter at your children. LOL. Love it! #DreamTeam
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Ooh I love it. Well as you entering summer vacation, we are entering mid-winter break here in South Africa. As our outdoor activities will be limited due to bad weather – I will have to think of a list to drive them insane indoors #dreamteam
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Play hide and seek but forget to seek – watch Netflix instead!
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LOL – great idea
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Fab advice !!!Though I think I am guilty already of playing the same songs over and over “not The Greatest Showman again mum!!!” #dreamteam
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Let’s cal that payback for all the Peppa Pig replays!!!
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Despite your disclaimer at the end, I’m actually quite tempted to try a couple of these… #dreamteam
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They do seem like a lot of fun! I did the milk in a brown bag while at a park when I ran my home daycare. People stared and then laughed when they realized!
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Some interesting suggestions here #DreamTeam
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Returning via #GlobalBlogging
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The dreaded school holidays – as a work at home mum I hate them! #DreamTeam
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It’s coming, RUN!!!
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I suppose it’s better than them torturing us, as usual!! #GlobalBlogging
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It’s time to have some fun at the kid’s expense!
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Parenting does drive us to some of the strangest thoughts . . .
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I’m not even a parent… imagine what things I would conjure up if I was! 🤣
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LOL! Brilliant ideas here! Where were you when my boys were little!!!!!
#GlobalBlogging
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Thanks for the tips! Following these is sure to make you the most popular parent of the summer! 🙂
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All the other parents will want to be as cool as you!
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Lol! Loved reading this again. Revisiting from #GlobalBlogging
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I already do the song and dance thing most weeks so I’m one task down for the holidays! #GlobalBlogging
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Even though we’re long past the stroller age, the ‘we’ve got poop’ suggestion cracked me up!! #Globalblogging
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I can’t wait for someone to report back how that turned out for them!
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Haha, you think dirt makes kids occupied 🤣
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Oh the summer hols are going to fly by with these Top Tips. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! #globalblogging
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Very funny. The on going battle with glitter is real #globalblogging
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I absolutely loathe glitter. The 90s makeup scene was hard for my teenage self!
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OH! I am definitely going to throw glitter at my children these holidays 🙂 haha! #globalblogging
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Just watch the shock and awe on their little faces. Priceless.
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Now truth — Did Lola help with this list? I think she may have, especially starting off with poop, which can clear out any place! xoxo #globalblogging xoxo
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My brain is proud to announce I came up with all of them! Lola did applaud the poop one when I had my eureka moment.
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Sweeet! And kudos. You are brilliant my friend! 🤗😘
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I needed a laugh and this delivered, thanks! #globalblogging
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You’re welcome! I’m so glad you liked it.
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Genius! So funny. My daughter is already a fan of yelling “I need to poop” in crowded spaces! #globalblogging
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Your summer is set!
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