Dear Lola,
Recently my 5-year-old son had been playing with friends in our backyard when I overheard their conversation. The friend was asking if my son had juice and without missing a beat he replied that we had apple juice and Mommy’s special grape juice. I shudder to think what that child repeated to his mother that night. So, how much wine is too much wine? Is too much wine even a possibility? Should I be hiding in a closet to drink it so that my son won’t give all our neighbors the idea that I am drunk all day long?!
Sincerely,
Wine Woman
Dear Wine Woman,
I was all set to dismiss your son’s statement as pure childhood exaggeration until you signed your letter to me as Wine Woman. Usually I have to come up with the witty moniker for the letters I receive. Suffice it to say, you may indeed be drinking too many sour grapes each day. We can easily determine that through a series of questions, which you will ask and your child will answer. Children are honest to a fault about parental habits.
You would lie to avoid having to give up wine and you know it.
What is Mommy drinking right now?
Does Mommy’s wineglass ever go into the cabinet after cleaning?
Can you hear bottles rattle when Mommy takes out the recycling?
Does Mommy walk funny at night and hold onto the wall?
Does Mommy take long naps while you play?
Does Mommy smell like sour grapes?
You have had too much wine if you asked your child these questions.
I advise you to cut way back on the number of glasses you have each night. If that’s not possible due to a shitty boss, nosy neighbor, or a child who won’t take a breath for even a minute while you think of something to cook for dinner, then I advise you to drink your wine after the child goes to bed.
You also need to start covering your tracks.
Package the empty bottles in bubble wrap and store them in the garage for your son to find when he is 60 and you’ve passed on. He’ll realize then what a problem you had – as he’s looking at thousands of empty bottles that have been kept as drunk girl trophies. Hopefully he’ll be able to sell the bottles as antiques in a future world that doesn’t use glass bottles for wine anymore. He’ll be rich and can buy the happiness that you never gave him because you were too drunk to drive him to the zoo.
♥Lola♥
Send Lola your questions in the comments, or by clicking one of my social media links below!
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This made me laugh! An advice column written by a dog, never would have thought of that. But they’re probably a lot more honest than humans lol. If I ever need some advice I’ll be sure to come to you 🙃
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I promise she is always honest, though sometimes not necessarily helpful! 😆
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I do not like even thinking about my alcohol free nights. #Dreamteam
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Lol this made me chuckle. Good advice Lola! Especially wrapping the bottles in bubble wrap, now that’s a good idea 😉 lol.
Jemma x
#dreamteam
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Lola likes to think of practical solutions to practical problems 😆
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Maybe she should be planning the Grape Escape …#DreamTeam
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She’s thinking she should start her own book since I’m having such trouble finishing mine!
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Oh I miss wine o’clock… the joys of pregnancy & breastfeeding. #DreamTeam
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Hilarious as always! Love the “It’s Wine o’clock somewhere” graphic!
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Thank you, those graphics look so simple but take all of my artistic abilities. I failed crayons in preschool!
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hahaha no such thing as a wine free night is there xx #dreamteam
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Not a big wine drinker but can imagine the struggle is real! #dreamteam
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I don’t drink wine at all, but based on how much I need Coke zero at the end of each day, I can definitely commiserate with the wine lovers. We all have that something.
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Great funny advice! Good thing I don’t drink much, I wouldn’t want my kid to sell my empty bottles for money in the future, I’m not sure the wine I drink will make him much! #DreamTeam
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Like the ‘can you hear bottles when taking out the recycling’ haha! #DreamTeam
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I once had a neighbor who drank so much wine that her recycle can being dumped in the morning by the collection crew would sound like rapid gunfire as every bottle poured out and shattered inside their truck.
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Very clever & whitty Heather – er, em sorry, I mean Lola !!!!! The nap during play time/bottles making noise when taking out the recycling/bubble rap idea made me laugh. Great stuff #Dreamteam
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Thank you! Lola is slowly replacing me on my own blog. She’s so witty!
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Ha this made me laugh – some great advice! #dreamteam
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Thank you!
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How does Lola manage to type and spell so well? Asking for a furry friend …
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Lola tells me what she wants to say and I do the typing and spelling for her! I like to joke that I am just the thumbs behind the blog at this point because Lola is so popular!
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A wise and sound advise Lola. Cheers to that! lol! #dreamteam
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Lola, you’ve made wrapping up wine bottles in bubble wrap and hiding them like secret pirate treasure sounds like great fun! Can’t wait to see what my 18 month old and her friends have to say about all of us moms and our Weekly Wine Wednesday gathering in a few years!
#DreamTeam
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They’ll probably knowingly look at each other because deep down they knew their mothers couldn’t be nuts, just a bit tipsy!!!
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This blog has had me laughing so hard, I love it! I am not usually a wine drinker but in order to bubble wrap bottles to scare the living daylights out of my own children, I may just start! HAHA
Shevy
http://moonsomnia.com
#DreamTeam
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I think it will be fun to watch those kids unwrap bottles in 20 years and be left wondering how they survived to adulthood!
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As always some great advice here Lola, hope the Wine Woman is cutting back on those glasses she consumes as I can’t see her giving up the bottle completely #dreamteam
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‘Covering your tracks’ … haha – nice tip!
#dreamteam
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Interesting advice given by Lola #DreamTeam
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I love the questions she tells the mom to ask her child. That’s hilarious! Lola does give interesting advice:) #DreamTeam
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She definitely thinks outside the box!
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Pearls of wisdom as ever from the oracle that is Lola #DreamTeam
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Reading this while sipping mommy’s special grape juice! Love that name! #DreamTeam
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I have a tendency to leave my glass on the windowsill and my youngest finds it the next day and shouts ‘wine’ VERY loudly #dreamteam
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Hahahahaha! Laura, you may need to start hiding your habit 🤣
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Not much of a wine drinker so I have dodged this advice. Now when you have an advice letter about getting chipped faced with mint choc icecream then I shall head the warning. #globalblogging
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Mint chip is the BEST!!!
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#globalblogging
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Much wisdom behind the wit. Nice one Heatrher #GlobalBlogging
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Thank you!
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Gotta love the honesty of kids!
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They really do say what they think!
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hehehe…enough is okay, too much is better 😉 #GlobalBlogging
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This made me giggle. Wine woman lol. I love the concept of wine o’clock! #GlobalBlogging
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Always cover your tracks #globalblogging
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Lola’s perspective is always spot on! My mother in law was told to only drink one glass of wine each night from her doc. SO she ordered larger wine glasses! LOL! #globalblogging xoxo
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She’s brilliant!
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With it being breastfeeding week recently I thought of something else for grapes until wine was mentioned *blush* #GlobalBlogging
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