Dear Lola,
How come toasters get hot enough to burn? Every morning I put toast into my toaster and, despite my best efforts each day to lower the cook time, I end up with a burnt piece of bread with which to start my day. I just don’t get it, are the people who make toasters secret breakfast haters who are trying to convert the rest of us?
Sincerely,
Baffled Breakfast Buff
Dear Baffled Breakfast Buff,
Ahhhhh, a fellow breakfast lover. I agree with humans who say it’s the most important meal of the day. Followed closely by dinner because going to bed hungry feels terrible, or so I’ve heard.
In order to properly answer your question, I prepared a six step science experiment for the Mommybeast to perform with my supervision. We used a standard two-slot toaster and 3 types of bread. I had her adjust the knob with the numbers several times, while internally wondering exactly what the purpose of that knob was.
We burned five out of six pieces of toast.
Now I know exactly how toasters work. They heat up to a preset temperature, designated by the toaster scientists. Once they reach this temperature, they cook until the time on the knob runs out. However, instead of using a real timer, 1 means one minute, 2 means two minutes, and so forth, the toaster scientists just randomly selected a time and assigned it to a number. Our toaster boasted a 1.5 minute number one setting. This would lead you to believe that number 2 would also be in an even increment of time, such as two minutes or possibly even 3 minutes if we base it on doubling the number 1 setting. You are wrong to assume that! The number 2 setting was a random 98 seconds. Eight seconds longer than the number 1 setting.
Eight seconds – the only difference between toast and scorched Earth for breakfast.
I wondered why the toaster scientists don’t just turn down the predetermined heat on their invention. Surely using even a third of the heat would produce a nice piece of toast, even if it meant waiting another 20 seconds to eat it. As I was pondering this, I left the Mommybeast alone for a minute while I went potty. Normally I would make her come with me in order to ensure her mischievous antics were not leading her to certain death, but I decided to risk it this once.
When I returned to the kitchen, I found the Mommybeast exactly where I left her. Staring at the toaster in concentration so she would finally get a piece of edible toast. The answer hit me in the face. Toaster scientists are obviously canines who needed to find a way to manage their humans during those stressful morning routines. Instead of chasing our humans around the house and hoping they will get it together to be at work on time, the canine leaves their human guarding a piece of toast. Since that takes all of their concentration, this leaves the canine able to have a decent breakfast bowl and indulge in a back scratch using the living room carpet. Once the canine morning routine is completed in peace and quiet, we are able to direct the silly human whose paycheck we rely on, into work appropriate clothing and a sensible lunch.
♥Lola♥
This is a note from Lola’s Mommybeast. It has just occurred to me that Lola feels like she is the parent in our relationship. Much like a mother would give an iPad to a screaming child in the morning, I am put in front of a toaster until Lola takes it away and gives me a new task. I would be offended over this thinking, except my species has no other way to explain why toasters get so fucking hot that they burn a slice of toast in 4.2 seconds! It’s basically the surface of the sun in there.
Send Lola your questions in the comments, or by clicking one of my social media links below!
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Breakfast rules…but yeah ya gotta know your toaster. Good luck trying to not burn your toast on an unfamiliar toaster.
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I’ve had my toaster for years and Lola laughs every time I burn my breakfast.
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Maybe there’s a bigger anti-bread conspiracy being perpetrated against us.
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I hope not, bread is my friend!
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Seriously
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haha I feel like I’ll get perfect toast next time! #AnythingGoes
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Never take your eyes from the toaster!
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I feel your pain! Often I hear an angry exclamation from my husband where he has burnt his toast. He gets distracted you see! Damn thing toasters.
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Toasters ruin lives!
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This series is genius….Dottie is jealous although prefers croissants darling…..well she is a beddlington terrier (said in an extremely posh voice!). Xx
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Dottie may need to share her wisdom with readers!
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Now I’m curious about my own toaster. Sometimes it toasts to perfection and other times I have to dig out the bagel or bread because it just won’t pop up when it’s supposed to. Lola You’ve given me something to ponder today lol! #anythinggoes
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And I thought I was the only one! Yep, burnt toasts continue to baffle us all. These days, we toast our bread with our mini toaster oven and they always come out perfect!
#globalblogging
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I love mini toaster ovens, they work so well!
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How have we not figured it out before…Toaster scientists are obviously canines . Lola is correct (and funny) as usual. xx #globalblogging
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Lola thanks you while humbly admitting she is very smart! 🤣
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I have the same question about toasters. I am inclined to believe that the makers of toasters don’t like bread and anyone who likes a proper toast. 😊 #globalblogging
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Maybe toasters are made by the people who invented crackers!
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My toaster does a great job with bagels, and the addition of a scoop of Nutella masks the unsavory results with regular toast. Of course, Nutella is not very good for humans or for canines . . .
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Bizarrely I just had a conversation this morning with my father about my toaster. It had him incensed as he burnt his toast. He regularly attempts to burn my house down with it when he comes over and this morning dismissed the machine as ‘Simply illogical’ #globalblogging
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It is an illogical machine. I think it would be easier to use a blowtorch to make toast!
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I won’t suggest that to my dad. He would only go and try it and surely send us all up in smoke 😉
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Only you Heather could have written this … I wish to propose a toast (unscorched) to your hilarious efforts, and Lola’s. of course.
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Thank you!!!
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Burnt toast is the actual worst , but yeah I’m beginning to get the impression that Lola is the sensible adult here! #globalblogging
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She is! Sadly though, she does still rely on me to make sure she doesn’t get into scrapes that she can’t get out of – mainly related to trying to catch a wild bunny in our backyard!
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Sounds like a match made in heaven to me!
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Sorry Heather, but It’s high time Lola took over the blog and you became her underling. Sorry it’s just the way it is.
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I knew it would happen one day but I’m not quite ready for it yet! Give me a few more years Poppins!
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Coming at ya (and retweeting) from the #GlobalBlogging side. #GlobalBlogging
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Lola I’m afraid I’m just as useless with my toaster. I too stare at it and wait for it to pop or even pop it up myself sometimes as the wait just seems so long. I can never get the perfect slice of toast with our toaster. It’s either under done or burnt and rock hard #globalblogging
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My mother is the queen of toasters. She can toast a bagel, a slice of bread, or an English muffin perfectly every time! When she comes to visit I make her toast me something every single morning.
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Is it bad that I had no idea that the numbers on a toaster were actually minutes? Thought they were got to do with heat😂 #GlobalBlogging
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Most people think that so it’s not unusual! I think they need to dial the heat down because even on a 3 it’s easy to get a burnt brick of bread. Toasters suck.
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My breakfast is usually made up of cereal but I do agree burnt toast isn’t nice #GlobalBlogging
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I love cereal!
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