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In everyday life there are many annoying people. Whether it is the person who talks loudly on the phone in the grocery store, or the person who takes the last of the toilet paper and doesn’t refill it, we’ve all learned to tolerate these people as part of our species. Then there are those other people, the ones you can barely tolerate, the ones who deserve to be throat punched for their crimes against the other humans.

This is a list of those people.

Worst Person Award

1. The person who leaves their shopping cart in the parking spot. You are a lazy bastard who deserves to be throat punched by the little old lady who inevitably ends up having to get out of her car to move the cart that you abandoned in the spot. I hate returning carts, one of the very reasons that my groceries are delivered to my home! I recommend you do the same because that little old lady is going to use her purse to throat punch you and she probably has 50 pounds of loose change in there just waiting to crush your trachea.

2. The human who uses their phone in the movie theater. Now, I don’t mean talking because those people deserve so much more than a throat punch and I’ve never actually seen anyone with the balls to answer a call and remain seated. I mean the person who spends the movie on Facebook, or Instagram, or sending out tweets during the movie. You deserve several throat punches because your screen glare is interfering with my movie watching. And here’s another little newsflash, you are not that interesting!

3. The people who drive side by side on a roadway, taking up all the lanes so that faster moving vehicles cannot pass them. Are you trying to enrage everyone behind you or are you just that oblivious?! There are 5 lanes on the highway near me and I’ve watched as 5 cars matched speed and sat side by side with no one in front of them. It isn’t a one-time event either; it is a running joke in this area by us transplants. We cannot understand the mental state of the WA born driver who does this. Needless to say, I have mentally throat punched hundreds of drivers in the 5 years I’ve lived here. I can only hope to one day live here long enough that I achieve the blissful ignorance of the natives and it no longer bothers me, better yet if I do it myself without even realizing. Sweet, sweet revenge on those WA drivers stuck behind me.

4. The person who believes that pedestrians have the right of way and jump out into the street without any prior indication of their intent to cross…like looking both ways to see who is approaching. Yes, yes, yes, I am aware of the man-made law which says that pedestrians have the right of way. Are you aware of the law of physics involved with me stopping a car in enough time to avoid smashing you beneath my wheels like an insect?! You’ll be dead and I’ll be alive so I guess now that I think about it, you won’t really need that throat punch will you?

5. Last but not least, the person who uses your/you’re wrong. I can forgive the to/too (but not two) people because that could easily be fat fingers on a keyboard and/or a drunken moment of tweeting. Your and you’re is a completely different story! Extra characters, the apostrophe, the very concept that one of them is actually two words! If you are unsure of when to use your or you’re, spell out the two words YOU ARE so you don’t look like a fool. And if you are looks ridiculous in the sentence than you know it must be your. Virtual throat punches are coming your (SEE!) way and you’re (SEE!) the intended target!

So that rounds up the 5 most deserving types of people who should receive throat punches. As we live in a litigious society I feel obligated to say that I am not condoning the throat punching of any humans, even if they have broken the human code of conduct we all have come to accept as socially responsible living. If you throw a throat punch at someone, you had better get a lawyer and probably start running because that person may get up and start heaving blows right back at you.


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