I started writing this post and thought it would be one or two paragraphs at most. I should have known better. 

Last night I discovered what a weirdo I was. I mean, I always knew I was weird, but last night really drove home how weird I was. I met a new blogger friend who is from Hawai’i, until the military ripped her from her beloved island just like it did to me. So here we are, two sunshine and rainbow island girls, stuck in the cold wasteland that is the mainland. I don’t know if she’s in a cold wasteland, but I’m in Washington state and it is a cold, rainy, gray-coated existence.

And I love it!

Sure I miss the sunshine, I miss the rainbows, I miss the mild temperatures. I don’t miss the endless sunburn to my vampire-like skin, the cost of a gallon of milk, fueling up my car while I plotted a second job to cover the cost of the fuel, or looking at houses and realizing Hubster and I would have to live in a shack… or in my parent’s home.

Wait a minute! I just realized that if I lived in my parent’s home I would have access to a pool, a hot tub, free food, and central air conditioning. So now I’m not only a weirdo, I’m ridiculously short-sighted for moving away. Great.

Now back to the weirdo moment. My fellow island blogger asked me what type of coffee I liked. It was a surprising question, but I set out to think about my complex answer. Poor girl thought she was just going to get a response like “vanilla latte” but she’d soon come to realize my thoughts are never that simple.

You see, I hate hot coffee. It’s just gross. No matter the flavors of sweeteners or even how much coffee to milk ratio there is, I don’t care for it. Startling enough, I love cold-brewed coffee. Not that nasty iced coffee, no no no! Iced coffee is disgusting hot coffee that has ice thrown into it thinking we’re foolish enough to admit to liking it because it’s not the hot version. Those people are silly.

It’s the same coffee, same bitter flavor, same ugh.

Not cold-brewed coffee. I don’t know how they do it! It’s coffee that tastes delicious. It’s like the beans morph in the process of brewing and become palatable. Bitter flavors disappear and you are left with unicorn tears. Delicious, precious, unicorn tears. The cost confirms cold-brew coffee is brewed in unicorn tears.

I don’t know how cold-brewed coffee is made, and I don’t want to know. It would be just my luck to find out something disgusting happens, like the coffee beans that come out of bat shit before you drink them. Then I would have no more delicious cold coffee in my life. I would miss out on that moment when the caffeine hits the bloodstream and my normal over exuberant personality starts shaking and speaking in volumes only dogs can hear. I’d also miss out on the eventual crash as the coffee leaves my body and I become comatose, wishing I had more, more, MORE!

Now that you know my views on coffee (how did you live before knowing?!) I think I’m going to pop out to get a giant cup of it and then come home to shake uncontrollably in private.

An angry, chubby, rainbow unicorn sitting down with the phrase 'made with genuine unicorn tears' under him.

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17 replies on “Coffee, unicorn tears, and a cold wasteland…”

  1. Bahahahaha! Loved this! I got yanked to Louisiana so I can fairly say you win with the cold factor. I mean…we can compete a bit & hit 21 degrees last week. But that lasted 1.5 days and now its back to 79. Why?

    Anyway, I am now officially in love. Starbucks better be ready when I come with my special “Shank-You-Very-Much” coffee order tomorrow!!!

    Mahalo my friend!

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  2. Couple of thoughts:
    1. Gas in Hawaii Neil is about 2.43/gal at EB Safeway, come home!
    2. Wait what? I have never had a cup of coffee because of the taste, are you saying I might like cold brewed which Drew loves and makes? At nearly 56 years young I might try coffee!

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  3. I didn’t even know cold brewed coffee was a thing. I’ll be immediately googling that!! Also, surely Washington Stat can’t be as dreary and grey as England in the winter??? I would swap for Hawaii any day.

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    1. It rains here in my county on average 212 days each year. And then it snows/sleets another 40 or so. Last year was a relatively dry year and it was disconcerting. I do love the dreary, I hate being hot so the sun is my natural enemy.

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  4. I didn’t even know cold brewed coffee was a thing. I’ll be immediately googling that!! Also, surely Washington Stat can’t be as dreary and grey as England in the winter??? I would swap for Hawaii any day.

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  7. I’m a weirdo because I don’t like coffee at all. Or tea… which is almost a crime as I am British. I opt for a hot chocolate and try to pass off my steaming cup as tea or coffee sometimes in a bid to appear more normal and socially acceptable!lol! I should try to like coffee though…. the caffeine would come in handy after the sleepless nights! #bigpinklink

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    1. I’m 33 years old and it wasn’t until this year when I tried a cold brew coffee that I liked it. I also despise tea, frankly I’m not that crazy about hot chocolate either. I think I might just not like hot drinks.

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